Maybe you felt rejected or dismissed, or struggled to win their approval or recognition. Now as an adult you're easily "hooked" when someone pushes these old insecurity buttons. Another cause is low self-esteem: You wouldn't want anyone who would want you.
The main reason we attract — or are attracted to — emotionally unavailable partners is because a part of us is emotionally unavailable as well. The fact is, an emotionally connected partner is not going to stick around an emotionally inept relationship. Healthy relationships expect growth.
A need to chase after people who can't actually love tends to stem from unresolved childhood issues, or even trauma. Self-help is a good start, and there are wonderful books out there to help with things like codependency and attachment issues.
Emotionally unavailable people can certainly fall in love. They just might have a harder time recognizing when it happens and putting their feelings into words. Remember, emotional unavailability often stems from a deeper fear of intimacy or rejection — fears that can complicate someone's experiences with love.
The “aloofness factor”—looking desirable, in control, and yet, not being fully present—that unavailable men carry leaves the observer (typically a woman) feeling she has discovered an exotic jewel of wonder, and it leaves her wanting to come closer and to know more about him. 2. They provide intermittent reinforcement.
Both Neblett and Gatling agree that if you address someone's emotional unavailability, express how it's affecting you and lead with "I" statements. It's also important to have clear examples of why you think they're emotionally unavailable so that they don't feel ambushed, Neblett emphasizes.
Pursuing someone who is emotionally unavailable makes you feel like you're lacking control. You end up trying too hard to make it work when it isn't. You tie your sense of self-worth to your partner. Their unwillingness to commit can leave you feeling as if you're fighting an uphill battle alone.
Being emotionally unavailable describes someone who is not open to discussing or sharing their feelings. They can be evasive, flaky, or hard to read. "They're scared of intimacy," explains licensed couples therapist Brooke Sprowl, LCSW, CNTS.
“When you meet someone who isn't emotionally available, you may notice that their communication behaviors are inconsistent, they pick and choose when they answer you or don't, wait stretches of time before they text you back, hoping to keep you on the line—and all of these are red flags.”
Act confident and aloof. Play hard to get, so he realizes he's interested in you. An emotionally unavailable guy might tell himself that he's not interested in a relationship, but he won't be able to resist a challenge! People are drawn to confidence, so speak up and share your opinions.
The main trait that both emotionally unavailable men and women share is their fear of being controlled, especially in a relationship. For men in particular, a consuming fear is “losing” themselves in a relationship.
Most of the time no contact with an emotionally unavailable man or woman works because it gives them the space and the time they need to think about themselves and their relationship. Often dumpers do come back because they have had the time to reflect on their actions and emotions.
Jealousy is about a lot of things, including insecurity, immaturity, and fear. Emotionally unavailable men may experience jealousy more intensely because they bottle up their feelings.
Breadcrumbing is often a sign that someone is emotionally unavailable. They want to know that you'll be there if and when they need you and they may get an ego boost when you respond to them, but ultimately they're unlikely to pursue a relationship with you.
Because they tend to “turn off” emotions and have poor insight, people who are emotionally unavailable might also exhibit low empathy — the inability to understand or share someone else's feelings.
An emotionally unavailable man may miss you when you take a break from the relationship, are away from his immediate reach, or feel detached from you. Research has shown that although emotionally unavailable, the emotionally unavailable man is not without feelings.
Stashing—sometimes referred to as pocketing—is when one person in a relationship makes the conscious decision to hide the other person from his or her inner circle, and yes, that includes both in real life and on social media.
To be available is to be ready and willing to do something. If a man is emotionally available, he is literally going to be aware of his emotions and then ready and willing to express them. At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
Another reason you might be attracting emotionally unavailable partners is you may not be open with your own emotions. If you struggle with self-esteem, shyness, or feelings of inadequacy (like you're not good enough), you may find it difficult to be authentic and vulnerable in intimate relationships.
Dismissive avoidants grow up to become distant, unapologetic, and selfish. They might never come back to you if you stopped chasing them. They choose to have countless flings/one-night stands/casual dating because they think it's impossible to fall in love and commit to the person.
Initiate the breakup & suppress negative emotions
This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do. They're just prone to pushing down their heartbreak and attempting to carry on with life as normal.
What happens when you walk away from a dismissive avoidant? You'll trigger their abandonment wound, and they'll tell themselves their fears were justified. Dismissive-avoidants are highly sensitive to rejection. It's part of why they reject others pre-emptively.