Humans like secrets for deep-seated social, psychological, and personal reasons, using them to build trust, create intimacy, maintain privacy, define identity, and even gain excitement, with both sharing and keeping secrets serving crucial roles in relationships and self-understanding, according to research by psychologists like Michael Slepian.
To avoid shame and embarrassment, to avoid having to explain too much, to maintain our privacy and help control how others view us. There are different reasons for keeping secrets.
Narcissists are naturally very secretive. They enjoy keeping secrets from you and using them to their own benefit. Secrets help them maintain a sense of control and a sense of superiority. Secrets give them power so they can abuse and exploit people for their benefit.
The moment we hold specific information to ourselves is the moment we have a secret. But keeping secrets can lead to feelings of shame, isolation, uncertainty, and inauthenticity, which can generate anxiety and loneliness, Slepian said. His article cites several studies that illuminate these outcomes.
Reasons people can become overly guarded
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
You're keeping secrets
While it isn't essential that you tell your partner everything, purposefully keeping secrets begins a process of emotionally distancing from the other person. Whether these secrets are hurtful or not, closing lines of communication means closing yourself off to your loved one.
The 7-7-7 rule for couples is a guideline for maintaining strong connection by scheduling dedicated time: a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway (or night away) every 7 weeks, and a longer, kid-free vacation every 7 months, all designed to fight drift and routine by ensuring consistent, intentional quality time, though flexibility is key.
If you've ever asked yourself this question while lying about something trivial, or felt your stomach clench when someone asked you an innocent question, you might be experiencing one of the most common yet misunderstood complex trauma symptoms—the compulsion to lie and keep secrets, even when there's no danger.
We name the four kinds of secrets in the matrix Appealing Secrets, Mythical Secrets, Plain Secrets, and Weak Secrets. ... ... ideal secrets for a firm to own are appealing secrets, as these have both strategic and marketing value.
Introverts can also sometimes be considered loners. These are people who enjoy time alone, not necessarily because they don't like being around other people, but rather because they are more interested in their own inner thoughts and feelings. Spending quality time by themselves is how they are able to regain energy.
According to Slepian, secrecy isn't just about holding your tongue when interacting with the person you're trying to keep the secret from. Instead, secrets take up space and time in our minds, grabbing our attention and keeping us from focusing on other things to look after.
If you have a confidante, you're lucky. She is a friend you can confide in, someone you trust with your private thoughts, and who you're sure can keep a secret. If your trusted friend is male, you call him your confidant. In fact, you could call a male or a female "secret keeper" your confidant (without the "e").
The biggest red flags in a guy include controlling behavior, excessive jealousy, manipulation (like gaslighting), lack of empathy, and anger management issues, often seen through verbal abuse, aggression, or emotional outbursts, all indicating deeper emotional instability and poor communication. Other significant signs are disrespect, constant criticism, dishonesty, refusing emotional intimacy, blame-shifting, and a pattern of love bombing followed by devaluation, suggesting an unhealthy dynamic.
According to a new study, the average woman can't keep a secret for more than 47 hours.
The seven secrets are having clear written goals, making detailed plans, intense focus on results, creativity/imagination, continuous learning, positive thinking, and persistence.
Signs of childhood trauma
A guarded character might be guarded because they fear rejection or abandonment, and they may have a hard time forming close relationships. A guarded character might struggle with the balance between protecting themselves and shutting others out completely.
5 Childhood Trauma Personalities
While many factors contribute, many experts point to poor communication (especially criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and a breakdown in emotional connection/trust, often stemming from dishonesty or disrespect, as the #1 things that destroy marriages, eroding intimacy and making partners feel unheard and unloved over time. Infidelity, financial stress, and shifting priorities (like putting family/in-laws above spouse) are also major contributors that feed these core issues.
survived the dreaded two-year mark (i.e. the most common time period when couples break up), then you're destined to be together forever… right? Unfortunately, the two-year mark isn't the only relationship test to pass, nor do you get to relax before the seven-year itch.
The goals of the Gottman Method include increasing closeness and friendship behaviors, addressing conflict productively, and building a life of shared meaning together. The Gottman Method involves customizing principles from the research to each couple's particular patterns and challenges.
In a relationship, pocketing means one partner keeps the other hidden from their friends, family, and social life, treating them like a secret or something kept "in their pocket" rather than integrating them into their world, often signaling a lack of commitment or shame. This involves avoiding introductions, keeping the relationship off social media, and making excuses for why the partner can't meet important people, making the hidden partner feel isolated and questioning their worth.
Kim Chronister, PsyD, says that when people behave secretly, there can be many variables at play. "However, the primary motivation is typically to avoid feeling shame and judgment. In this sense, it is usually to protect oneself.”
Your partner may treat you as less than, or unintelligent. They may ignore your opinions or make subtle remarks like “you wouldn't be able to understand” or “women are too emotional”. Another red flag is if your partner makes you feel incapable or dependent on them.