When avoidant partners see that you are self-sufficient and doing things without them, it may paradoxically draw them to you because they can have less fear that you will become overly dependent on them. The Silent treatment is really just another way of saying I am afraid.
The avoidant side demands less fight, says they cannot remain present in conflict, uses abandonment as a tool, a weapon (“the silent treatment”)—the only thing their partner can hear.
If they are drawn into a conflict unwillingly, people with an avoidant attachment style may react by shutting down, stonewalling, trying to stay on the logical part of the argument, using anger to create space, giving the silent treatment, or leaving the room.
If someone you love has learned an avoidant attachment style, it is so important to recognize that the reason why they shut down and push away is that this is how they learned to feel safe in relationships. They do this because you are important, not because they don't want to be close to you.
The avoidant person is truly a master at sending mixed signals and if you really think about it, it does make a lot of sense. The paradox that lies in their heart is a simple one. They want love but at the same time they don't want to let anyone too close to give them that love for fear of being hurt.
Persons with avoidant personality disorder are timid, sensitive to rejection and criticism, and prone to social anxiety disorder. In relationships, avoidant individuals may be emotionally distanced and withdrawn, creating communication problems and causing their partners to feel unloved, insecure, and abandoned.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
They avoid being intimate and vulnerable and push away those who get too close. Dismissive-avoidants typically have few close friends; they do not want to depend on others, and they do not want to be depended upon. There is a lack of commitment due to being extremely self-reliant.
If you feel that your avoidant partner isn't recognizing your love or reciprocating your efforts, it's time to leave. While you might feel emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or grief, this is all part of the healing process.
If the avoidant is still mostly ignoring you and not talking much, try to listen to what their silence says. Then think also about why you react to their silence in the way that you do. I'd recommend against too physical or trying to seduce them as a way to bridge the communication gap and reestablish a link.
Communicating with empathy, using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming and criticism are some of the ways to help avoidant partners feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings, as well as change their behaviors in time. “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.”
And such actions that hold space can be so important for avoidants they will lash out and punish anyone who directly challenges untruths. "Avoidant types often think someone is out to get them, including their partner.
Texting infrequently or not at all is the default mode of existence for dismissive avoidants who value independence more than connection. They'll rarely make attempts to reach out. They don't have the same connection needs as people with other attachment styles. Try not to take their minimal reaching out personally.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
As such, individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to deny feelings and take their sovereignty to an extreme. They don't rely on others and don't want others to rely on them, they keep their innermost thoughts to themselves, and they find it difficult to ask for help.
Abuse at the hands of someone with an avoidant personality disorder often includes psychological and emotional abuse. Don't be afraid to reach out for help, pursue support groups for loved ones, seek your own therapy, separate, or leave the relationship completely. Your sanity depends on it.
The avoidant person has a lack of emotional connection to memories which allows for an inconsistency of feeling that is hard for others to understand. Not conscious of a remembered landscape of feeling, they are able to change their feelings from wanting to rejecting seemingly at random.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
Initiate the breakup & suppress negative emotions
To begin with, avoidant attachers are more likely to instigate a breakup, as they typically prefer to keep relationships on a surface level and avoid confrontations with their partners.
Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are. They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.
When a dismissive-avoidant feels an expectation placed upon them, they can feel incapable. We all have needs and boundaries. If either makes a dismissive-avoidant feel like they are due to their “weaknesses,” they can shut down quickly.
Avoidants tend to not want to give anything or anybody their time or their energy. If it doesn't serve them any purpose, they won't do it. So if they are with you and they are giving you their time, that is a really good indication that they care about you and they are putting you as a priority.
They're always looking for the red flags, and they will find them, so when you go no contact with the dismissive avoidant, don't expect them to reach out to you.
So, they are more at a loss when you stop chasing them. They are miserable, sad, and broken. The worst part is that some avoidants may never differentiate their own emotions. They think 'being aloof' is the only way they can be safe and away from the emotional desert.
Studies have found that avoidant attachers are less likely to date or seek relationships. In other words, they are more prone to having smaller social circles and, thus, may stay single for longer periods of time.