Why Rejections Hurt So Much. Researcher Naomi Eisenberg at UCLA discovered that social pain (such as being rejected and let down by others) and physical pain are felt in the same parts of the brain. In other words, the brain can't tell the difference between the pain of a breakup and the pain of a broken arm.
When faced with rejection, or lack of acceptance, it's hard of us to not internalize negative thoughts about our own self-worth. Rejection brings up the existential crisis of 'alone-ness,' which is quite painful and hard to ignore,” Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC and Talkspace therapist, explains.
If you're highly sensitive with a strong fear of rejection, your brain may have wired itself to detect and “protect” you from rejection. The fear of rejection may lead to proactive anger, social withdrawal, or bending over backward for other people.
Rejection can take a major toll on your self-esteem and often leads to deep emotional wounds and wounds in your spirit that open up doors that cause you to experience other negative emotions, including depression, fear, doubt, isolation, self-pity, suicidal thoughts, people pleasing, double-mindedness, eating disorders ...
This proved true even for tsetse flies in lab experiments. (See “Obsessions and Love Addiction.”) Most people start to feel better 11 weeks following rejection and report a sense of personal growth; similarly after divorce, partners start to feel better after months, not years.
Rejection trauma in childhood leads to low self-esteem and self-doubt, which leads to having difficulty remaining in secure relationships. We often feel not good enough because our parents rejected us.
In fact, rejected love is essentially what people refer to as the pain of a broken heart. Studies have shown that heartbreak can actually elicit physical pain and illness. In fact, stress cardiomyopathy is the name of the condition when heart muscles are weakened because of extreme stress.
The results showed that the feeling of rejection triggered the same neural circuits that process physical injury and translate it into the experience we call pain. And this is why the human brain does not distinguish between a broken bone and an aching heart.
One such group of people who are apt to take rejection more personally than others are those have a fear of abandonment. (This might mean you were the victim of childhood bullying, neglect, or abandonment; were belittled by a parent; or had unmet emotional needs from a parent or partner.) Need Approval To Feel Valued?
Give yourself credit for trying.
You took a risk — good for you. Remind yourself that you can handle the rejection. Even though you were turned down now, there will be another opportunity, another time. Get philosophical: Sometimes things happen for reasons we don't always understand.
Let yourself feel the pain, cry or pound a pillow, but then put a limit on how long you will mourn the rejection. Literally set a time frame: “I can mourn this until next Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. and then I will let go of it.” Let the emotions roll through you, but don't let them park and become long-term visitors.
Within moments, negative opinions of self are irrationally formed and engrained into our psyche as truths. We become defined by the fact that another person declined us. We rationalize who we are is not enough, and in some cases that we are not worthy of love.
Relationship expert Rachael Lloyd from eharmony says romantic rejection is one of the most painful types of rejection. "It literally cuts to the very heart of who we are and how attractive we deem ourselves to be," says Lloyd. "And no one is exempt.
As long as you don't make a big problem about it and deal with the rejection maturely, then this person can still be in your life if they want to be. Sometimes, it can be the start of a really good friendship so don't go cutting any ties because it didn't work out romantically.
Trauma: Long-term rejection or rejection that results in extreme feelings may contribute to trauma and can have serious psychological consequences.
A good, long cry can bring a sense of closure.
I have realized that the best way for me to get over rejection is to cry about it. While it may not help me achieve anything, I always feel a sense of closure after a good long cry. Crying is my form of catharsis. By embracing the sadness, I am acknowledging the rejection.
In conclusion, rejection is a painful human experience that can be even more intense than a breakup with a romantic partner. This is because rejection threatens our sense of belongingness, undermines our self-esteem, triggers feelings of shame and humiliation, and lacks closure.
Someone can also feel rejected in an abusive relationship. Others may feel rejected when they do not get the job they were qualified for or when a person cannot find friends after moving to a new area. Whatever the rejection stems from, big or small, can trigger an individual's post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Several specific emotions arise from the prospect or presence of rejection, including hurt feelings, loneliness, jealousy, guilt, shame, social anxiety, embarrassment, sadness, and anger.
“Symptoms of abandonment trauma can include extreme insecurity or anxiety within a relationship, obsessive or intrusive thoughts of being abandoned, and also debilitating self-esteem or self regard.” When children feel abandoned, it can leave them feeling frightened and unsafe.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost.
fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much (neurologically speaking).
Social exclusion activates the same regions as physical pain
Those hurt feelings when you're the last one picked for a team may register in the brain just like a scraped knee or a kicked shin, according to new research that finds that the brain responds to social rejection in the same way it responds to physical pain.
Feeling rejected can add to depression, and depression can perpetuate feelings of rejection. Rejection is an inevitable part of life. But it can still be hurtful, even when you're in a great headspace.