To a military wife, avoid saying "you chose this," "I know how you feel" (comparing deployments to business trips), "how do you do it?" (implies pity), or making negative assumptions about fidelity or the service member's job, as these minimize her experience, invalidate her struggles, and disrespect her family's sacrifice; instead, offer genuine support like listening or practical help.
Stop saying these things to military spouses.
Some behaviors of disrespect in relationships include nagging, criticism, stonewalling, lying, put downs, pressuring the other, disloyalty, and threats to end the relationship or marriage.
FORMER SPOUSES: THE 20/20/20 RULE
➢ The parties were married for at least 20 years; ➢ The military member performed at least 20 years of service creditable for retirement; and ➢ There was at least a 20-year overlap of the marriage and the military service.
In the U.S. military, extramarital sexual conduct is serious and can result in severe consequences under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). The maximum punishment can include a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and up to one year of confinement.
Across a one-year deployment period, the prevalence of sexual infidelity is strikingly high at 22.6% compared with annual community estimates of 1.5-4% (National Library of Medicine) In addition to entering marriage “too early” there are other surface level issues that strain military marriages.
The 80/20 rule in relationships explains cheating as the temptation to abandon a solid partner (80% good) for someone new who seems to offer the missing 20% of needs, a pursuit often leading to regret as the new person lacks the original 80%. Infidelity often arises from focusing on flaws (the 20%) rather than appreciating the substantial good (the 80%), making an affair partner seem appealing for fulfilling that small gap, but ultimately resulting in losing the valuable foundation of the primary relationship.
In addition, for orders dividing retired pay as property to be enforced under the USFSPA, a member and former spouse must have been married to each other for 10 years or more during which the member performed at least 10 years of military service creditable towards retirement eligibility (the 10/10 rule).
How much money do military spouses get? Military spouses do not receive pay directly from the military. However, military service members do get a one-time increase in their Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) pay when their spouse (or other dependent) is enrolled in DEERS.
Pension sharing – where all or part of a pension is transferred to an ex-partner. As you each own a separate part of the pension, you get a clean break from each other. Pension attachment or earmarking – where the pension stays in the same name, but the ex-partner will get a share when it pays out.
While many factors contribute, many experts point to poor communication (especially criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and a breakdown in emotional connection/trust, often stemming from dishonesty or disrespect, as the #1 things that destroy marriages, eroding intimacy and making partners feel unheard and unloved over time. Infidelity, financial stress, and shifting priorities (like putting family/in-laws above spouse) are also major contributors that feed these core issues.
The 2-2-2 rule for couples is a relationship guideline suggesting couples schedule regular quality time: a date night every 2 weeks, a weekend getaway every 2 months, and a longer, week-long vacation every 2 years to maintain romance and connection by stepping away from daily routines. It's a flexible framework to ensure intentional time together, preventing couples from getting too caught up in life's demands.
Never criticize, demean, or humiliate her.
You love her, and she is the one you made a commitment to and said you would spend your life with. If all that is true, why would you criticize her? I hear people describe when their husband said something really demeaning at a party about their wife with her standing there.
The 777 rule for marriage is a relationship guideline to keep couples connected by scheduling specific, regular quality time: a date night every 7 days, a night away (getaway) every 7 weeks, and a romantic holiday every 7 months, often without kids, to foster intimacy, reduce stress, and prevent routine from overtaking the relationship. It's about consistent, intentional efforts to prioritize the partnership.
Major Life Challenges for Military Spouses
Some veterans believe that saying “thank you for your service” is almost a way for civilians to massage away some of the guilt at not participating themselves.
20: Your sponsor has at least 20 years of creditable service towards determining retirement pay. 20: You were married to the same sponsor or service member for at least 20 years. 20: All 20 years of marriage overlap the 20 years of creditable (active or reserve) service that counted toward your sponsor's retirement.
In fact, military spouses are one of the highest unemployed demographics in the United States, with a 22 percent unemployment rate, according to a 2022 report from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Foundation.
Due to deployments, geographical separations, or unpredictable work schedules, military spouses regularly assume the role of primary caregivers which may limit their employment opportunities. During a service member's career, 81%2 of military families experience a Permanent Change of Station (PCS) move.
In order to be eligible to continue receiving benefits, a 20/20/20 ex-spouse must provide proof that the military spouse provided at least 20 creditable years of service, was married to their spouse for at least 20 years, and that the marriage was concurrent with the service.
Specifically, the rule requires: 10 Years of Marriage: The couple must have been married for at least 10 years. 10 Years of Overlapping Service: The marriage must have overlapped with at least 10 years of the service member's active military service or creditable service toward retirement.
The maximum amount of retired pay income a former spouse can receive is 50% of the disposable retirement pay. Additionally, if the couples meet several requirements, the former spouse may be eligible to continue receiving and using several military benefits.
Soft cheating (or micro-cheating) involves subtle, often digital, behaviors that cross relationship boundaries and breach trust without being full-blown infidelity, like excessive social media interaction with others, hiding messages, or maintaining secretive contact with an ex, often stemming from a need for validation but eroding intimacy and causing insecurity.
The 2-2-2 rule for marriage is a guideline to keep a relationship strong and connected: have a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years. This system encourages regular, intentional quality time, breaks from routine, and deeper connection by ensuring couples prioritize each other amidst daily life, work, and family, preventing stagnation and fostering fun.
85% of affairs start in the workplace. We all crave shared purpose and connection, but it's vital to be careful where you search for it.