Stonewalling is a metaphor that draws from the concept of building a stone wall that does not allow for connection. Stonewalling involves withdrawing from communication and deliberately avoiding providing any information, feedback, or emotional response, effectively shutting down a conversation or interaction.
The silent treatment is meant to hurt the other person where stonewalling is flooding and self-perseverance.
John Gottman, a marriage therapist who did extensive research on stonewalling in partnerships, found men often react to disagreements with more signs of physiological stress than women do, and thus, they have been shown to be more likely to stonewall than women, often in an attempt to remain neutral or avoid conflict.
Narcissist Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate with someone. This means that your spouse refuses to listen to you and your concerns. Stonewalling is one of the most prevalent narcissistic abuse techniques.
They dismiss your concerns. They engage in passive-aggressive type behavior. They change the subject or make accusations to avoid an issue. They give you the silent treatment, avoiding nonverbal communication such as making eye contact with you.
Narcissists are known to engage in manipulative, aggressive behavior, including stonewalling. When a narcissist perceives a threat to their grandiose self-view, they will respond with hostility or rage.
Unintentional stonewalling: Many people stonewall as a defense mechanism. They become overwhelmed in the moment of conflict and stonewall in an attempt to protect themselves and regain control. Oftentimes, people unintentionally stonewall when they're at their emotional limit.
In romantic relationships, stonewalling is often used to control a partner by deliberately cutting off communication and refusing cooperation. This hinders or prevents the ability to overcome issues or make key decisions about their future.
It is absolute poison to a relationship. As a matter of fact, relationship researcher John Gottman, who is best known for his ability to predict divorce with 94% accuracy, claims that stonewalling is the biggest predictor of divorce.
It's often very frustrating for the person on the receiving end who might want to know what's wrong but be unable to get an answer – if it continues it can lead to them feeling resentful. Stonewalling can also be used as a form of control in a relationship.
It can be an attempt to gain control or power over the other person. By shutting down communication and emotional intimacy, the stonewalling partner expresses that they do not value the other person's feelings or perspective. This behavior may cause emotional distress and can be classified as emotional abuse.
Understand that stonewalling is likely rooted in trauma, and you may need professional help to overcome this damaging habit. Consider a couples counselor if you are unable to resolve the issue on your own, as stonewalling will end the realationship for you sooner or later.
10) Stonewalling your partner
Gottman and Gottman describe stonewalling as a relationship red flag.
Using the silent treatment is an unproductive way of communicating within a relationship. It can sometimes be a form of self-protection, but at other times, it indicates emotional abuse. People who regularly use or experience the silent treatment should take steps to address it.
Stonewalling is, well, what it sounds like. In a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.
Emotional stonewalling can have serious consequences for relationships. It creates feelings of isolation, neglect, and frustration in the affected partner.
Impact on Relationships
Whatever the underlying cause, stonewalling can damage a relationship.1 Partners who are stonewalled often feel demeaned or abused. They may even begin to question their own self-worth. Moreover, shutting someone out often escalates the very situation it was meant to avert.
However, when one partner shuts down or withdraws, he or she is defending against intense emotion. Withdrawing is a defense mechanism, and although defense mechanisms are necessary, universal, and human, when ignited, they render a person less capable of resolving conflict.
By establishing boundaries, enforcing consequences if necessary, sharing emotions with others, and speaking up for yourself; you will take away their power, thus protecting yourself from the narcissist's silent treatment.
According to Gottman, stonewalling can be used as a form of manipulation or punishment and not just a way to avoid conflict. Teens may shut down or stonewall parents during the high-stress period of puberty. A teenager might find it challenging to manage their expectations, especially from one social group to another.
Narcissists may use the silent treatment to communicate they are unhappy with you, to control you, or as a form of punishment. If the narcissist uses the silent treatment to deflect responsibility for something they have done wrong, it can also be a form of narcissistic gaslighting.