Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
Since passive aggression is motivated by a person's belief that expressing anger directly will only make his life worse (Long, Long & Whitson, 2008), the passive aggressive person uses phrases like "Fine" and "Whatever" to express anger indirectly and to shut down direct, emotionally honest communication.
The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..."
“I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.” “I'm sorry, but you started it.” “I am sorry but I just couldn't help it.” “I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.”
What Is A Gaslight Apology? A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
Set clear standards and hold people to account. Make sure you encourage open, two-way communication and provide training so that they are able to air their views and become comfortable addressing issues in a non-passive-aggressive way.
A phrase designed to elicit an apology from the other party, whereby the original apologizer can deflect full responsibility to that other person; usually said in a hostile or sarcastic tone and often followed by an explicit or implicit “…but this is really your fault”
Avoid saying things like “I'm sorry you were offended” or “I'm sorry the group felt like I was out of line”. Doing this shifts the blame onto others and can really backfire as most people pick up on this type of weak apology. Casting doubt on others' experience of the situation or questioning what transpired.
Remorse/Regret. Responsibility/Recognize. Restitution/Repair/Redress.
Passive-aggressiveness is a behavior where people tend to avoid direct conflict and express their anger indirectly through sulking, procrastination, withdrawal, stubbornness, controlling, and sabotaging tasks (1).
The silent treatment can often be used when the person doesn't have the tools to respond differently. When faced with the triggering of strong feelings, they may not know what else to do — so they go quiet. It can also be a passive-aggressive response to avoid directly communicating how (hurt) they feel.
A common type of passive aggressive behavior comes from not asking for things directly, while also putting down the person they're talking to, at the same time. Passive aggressive example of wistful comments: “I wish I could afford a new car like yours, but unfortunately all my money goes to my student loans.”
The good news is that there is a way to stop this behavior, both in ourselves and in others. The key is to remember this six-word phrase: "Attack the problem, not the person."
Major Passive-Aggressive Texting Move: Replying “K”
It signals “sure, I'll do it/pretend to be okay with it, but I'm really not, and I'm telling you that.” Major passive-aggressive texting move, especially when you combine it with a period.
As a psychiatrist I teach my patients to address passive aggressive behavior directly as the person may not be aware of the impact on you since they are short on empathy.
He remembered the three R's – regret, react, reassure.
A genuine apology shows that you feel sorry for your actions and want to do better. It also gives the other person a chance to process their own feelings. You've taken the first step to fix the damage.
A sincere apology should acknowledge the mistakes and try to show that you have learned from them. It can be as simple as saying, “I regret my decision” or “I apologize for my mistake”. It should not sound like an excuse or justify what you did wrong in any way.
For example, a narcissist might offer an insincere apology to get something in return. They might apologize to make themselves out in a victim position or to repair the damage that's been done to their image. There are narcissists who don't apologize for their actions.
Type 1 - The Dismissive Apology - “Sorry", “I'm sorry”, backed up with turning away, doing something else, or walking away. The apology that is said to dismiss the conversation, to negate feelings or responsibility.
THE EMPTY APOLOGY: “I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry.” The empty apology is all form and no substance. It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling. So you go through the motions, saying the words but not meaning them.
The most effective approach is to ignore the behavior and pretend you don't notice it. If it doesn't appear to affect you, there is not much in it for them, and they may stop the behavior because of your lack of a reaction.
To compensate for one's inability to speak directly and solve problems assertively, a passive-aggressive individual may resort to covert means of manipulation, domination, and control in order to gain leverage. In a twisted way, one feels more powerful by agitating, frustrating, disappointing, and/or failing others.
Social exclusion: Be direct
You might only find out after the event through gossip or social media. Leaving someone out is sneaky but deliberate. The person doesn't want to confront you, but they want you to feel isolated. You can annoy passive-aggressors like this by direct confrontation.