Gaslighters typically start with small lies, then build up to bigger ones. When they're caught, even with proof like text messages, they refuse to admit the truth. They'll keep denying and lying until you question your memory and ultimately believe their version of events.
Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you're remembering it wrong. Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you. Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior.
Some of the most common reasons people gaslight are:
They use gaslighting to stop conflict. They use it to deflect their personal responsibility. They want to keep a people pleaser partner trying to please. They use it to gain power and control.
If we stick to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two signature moves: They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion.
“A gaslighter will often make you beg for their forgiveness and apologize profusely for any 'wrong' you committed, even if it's something they did,” Stern says. Sometimes you may not even know what you're apologizing for, other than they're upset and it's your responsibility to calm them down.
Red Flag 1: You're doubting your own truth. Red Flag 2: You're questioning yourself excessively. Red Flag 3: You're feeling confused. Red Flag 4: You're frequently thinking you must be perceiving things incorrectly.
Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness. Others who gaslight might not be aware that they're doing it.
Gaslighters typically start with small lies, then build up to bigger ones. When they're caught, even with proof like text messages, they refuse to admit the truth. They'll keep denying and lying until you question your memory and ultimately believe their version of events.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in relationships. It happens when one person convinces their target that they're remembering things wrong or that they're misinterpreting events. The gaslighter is trying to manipulate the other person and presents their own thoughts and feelings as the truth.
To maintain control over their victims, a gaslighter will get defensive and find a way to manipulate you into believing you're at fault. For example, if you confront them about their inappropriate workplace behavior or jokes, they might turn it around on you by asking you why you're not resilient enough to take it.
Shifting blame is a common gaslighting tactic. Accusing the victim of being the gaslighter causes confusion, makes them question the situation, and draws attention away from the true gaslighter's harmful behavior, Sarkis says.
Signs of Narcissist Gaslighting
They may try to make you feel like you're overreacting or being too sensitive by saying things like, “You're being paranoid,” or “You're imagining things.” They might also try to control what you do and who you see by trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
You are guilty of downplaying others' emotions.
When a person is hurt by something you've said or done, your usual response is that they're overreacting and to stop making things up. This may make a person believe their emotions are not valid or excessive. If this sounds like you, you are definitely gaslighting.
Red flags on a first date with gaslighters include: They tell you that you are the most beautiful/wonderful/amazing person they have ever met. They talk about long-term commitment with you. They talk about having children - not just in general, but with you.
Critical Thinking. The opposite of gaslighting is critical thinking, not validation or deference or coddling.
Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often, this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond. They often hope that others will be “grateful” for their truth.
In relationships, gaslighting often begins gradually. The abusive person gains their partner's trust, sometimes with an initial “honeymoon period” in which there is no abusive behavior. Then the person begins suggesting that their partner is not reliable, that they are forgetful, or that they are mentally unstable.
Another way to identify examples of gaslighting is to think about how you might go about eroding somebody's sense of reality. Efforts to hide important details, lie about one's own actions, and control the narrative and the person in general, are all behaviors that can have a gaslighting effect (Petric, 2022).
Gaslighting and Mental Health
You may be more vulnerable to gaslighting if you suffer from any mental health issues that weaken your resistance, such as a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem or depression, for example.