Guilting defensive actions are part of making someone feel guilty about something that they've done wrong.
If you are feeling guilty about something and someone else brings up a related topic, then you might respond in a defensive manner. A reaction to hiding the truth. You may become defensive if you are trying to hide the truth about something or lying.
Causes of Defensiveness
Feeling like others don't care enough about you. Being afraid of rejection. Having low self-esteem. Lacking confidence.
Research from 2020 suggested that people use defensiveness to give themselves a break when they do something wrong. A person may become defensive because they're: misrepresenting or forgetting what occurred. deflecting blame onto others.
Someone on the defensive is concerned with justifying their actions or words. They have a defensive attitude as they try to protect themselves. If you know that to defend is to protect, you have an idea what defensive means. When a person is acting defensive, they're trying to protect or justify themselves.
An example of defensive behavior stemming from trauma is when someone has been through abuse in the past and has a hard time trusting other people because of it. So when their partner questions them about something, they lash out with defensive actions to keep others away so that nothing bad happens again.
A defensive person can be someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It can also be someone that is a regular victim of emotional abuse that is constantly criticized. A defensive person can also be someone that has low self-esteem or that has a difficult time listening to criticisms about themself.
People with high levels of narcissism tend to respond very defensively when their positive self-evaluations are threatened.
In almost all cases, defensiveness is the result of emotional insecurity and fear. And when we feel insecure and don't know how to manage our fears—especially in the relationships where there's a lot at stake—we tend to fall back on primitive coping strategies like defensiveness to feel better.
However, when someone gets defensive about their idea or point of view, it is usually a clear sign of insecurity. Defensiveness occurs if we know we aren't comfortable with what we are saying or doing.
⛳ The Third Red Flag: Defensiveness
It's about making excuses for yourself, blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong, and refusing to cooperate — essentially using a lot of "yes, but" statements instead of "I'm sorry". Defensiveness is a way of deflecting responsibility or blame.
Defensiveness is a harmful and unhealthy emotional coping strategy that leads to personal and relationship dissatisfaction over time by avoiding bad feelings in the short term and not actually solving the problem. Some other examples of negative coping strategies include: Emotional Eating. Substance Use Disorders.
Feeling defensive "is a natural self-protection mechanism that we have inside us", says Dr Kate Renshall, a clinical psychologist based in Sydney.
Being sensitive to the effects of every action. Overwhelmed by possibly making the “wrong” decision. Low self-esteem. Putting others before yourself until it's detrimental.
A guilty person may avoid answering direct questions, refuse to provide information that could be used against them, or simply disappear altogether. Another telltale sign is that a guilty person may tend to lie or provide false explanations for their behavior.
Excessive irrational guilt has been linked to mental illnesses, such as anxiety, depression, dysphoria (feelings of constant dissatisfaction) and obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD)2. It can cause sufferers to believe they're a burden to their loved ones and those around them.
Defensiveness is a coping skill — a response to a perceived attack or criticism. In general, there are two ways to respond: You can deny it, act out, attack, blame someone else, or. You can intellectually rationalize the perceived attack or criticism.
If you become defensive, even if it's just to protect yourself from getting hurt, you are not allowing your partner to understand how you feel, but came across as attacking or critical towards them. If you put up a wall to avoid feeling hurt, this prevents your partner from understanding your feelings.
Defensive individuals don't like to “work through” emotional issues in the collaborative way adults are expected to. They can be highly impulsive and quick in their emotional reactions, without pausing to think things through in a balanced way. Finally, they tend to avoid too much emotional closeness with others.
"Humans have a primary psychological need to be valued and included by others, to feel that they are good and appropriate group members or relationship partners," says Associate Professor Woodyatt. "When people do something wrong this primary psychological need is threatened, driving a defensive response.
Instead of communicating needs or stating a position using clear, concise, and non-combative language, a defensive person will rely on passive-aggressive statements that throw the argument back on their partner. Instead of explaining a point of view, all you're doing is giving your partner all new reasons to be angry.
They are sensitive but, often, their reactions to your comments are a defence mechanism. The two may feel the same to the person experiencing these feelings but, in reality, they are worlds apart.
Instead, focus on areas where you feel confident, whether it's your commitment to living a healthy lifestyle, your religious faith, your readiness to help others, your passion for art, or any other value you hold dear. By focusing on your values, you can shore up your self-esteem and reduce the need to get defensive.