If you find yourself cling to someone who really isn't deserving of you, chances are that you are being needy and the man you are seeing is emotionally unavailable. The reason for this is because often times women will specifically go after men that are emotionally unavailable, if not consciously, then unconsciously.
Being emotionally unavailable describes someone who is not open to discussing or sharing their feelings. They can be evasive, flaky, or hard to read. "They're scared of intimacy," explains licensed couples therapist Brooke Sprowl, LCSW, CNTS.
“When you meet someone who isn't emotionally available, you may notice that their communication behaviors are inconsistent, they pick and choose when they answer you or don't, wait stretches of time before they text you back, hoping to keep you on the line—and all of these are red flags.”
They often come across as too clingy.
This is because they need constant reassurance and validation from others. They may call, text, or ask to hang out frequently. They want to be included and involved in everything going on because of a fear of missing out or being excluded.
Often when we are needy, we are actually just craving connection. These are known as 'bids for attention' in the Gottman Therapy framework. And this can be a response to unprocessed childhood trauma, where our basic needs for love, approval, and affection have not been met.
Most of the time no contact with an emotionally unavailable man or woman works because it gives them the space and the time they need to think about themselves and their relationship. Often dumpers do come back because they have had the time to reflect on their actions and emotions.
Perhaps you consciously want commitment, but deep down you fear true intimacy, losing your sense of self in the relationship, or getting hurt. As a result, it may feel safer to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, because you know on some level that you don't have to fully commit to the other person.
An emotionally unavailable man may miss you when you take a break from the relationship, are away from his immediate reach, or feel detached from you. Research has shown that although emotionally unavailable, the emotionally unavailable man is not without feelings.
Some common signs of emotional withdrawal include feeling fewer deep emotions towards a loved one, feeling as though you are not grounded, or you are out of your body, and generally feeling "empty." These are a few indicators of the signs that you may be emotionally withdrawn, but everyone's experience is different.
Emotional detachment can be part of healthy emotion regulation, but it can be harmful if it leads to interpersonal problems. Trauma, mental health conditions, and medication side effects can all cause emotional detachment. Help for emotional detachment depends on the individual, but may include talk therapy.
High stress, relationship problems, exhaustion, and illness can all increase a person's feelings of neediness and/or needy behaviors. Some people tend to exhibit characteristics of neediness more than others, and in these people, the term might be used to describe their personality.
Trauma dumping refers to sharing a traumatic story without thinking about how it will affect the listener, or oversharing in an inappropriate context.
To avoid getting stuck in this neediness, practice being calm and clear. Look beyond the anger and defensiveness. Approach your partner from deeper emotions and try writing down what you really need. If you're hurt because you're lonely, then tell your partner directly that you need some time together.
While clingy tendencies may have been “ok” in your previous relationship, being overly needy is generally considered a toxic dating habit.
Clinginess manifests in behaviors like demanding constant physical proximity, lack of independence or autonomy, a need for constant communication, and frequently asking for reassurance, help, or comfort.
Be Patient.
Give your partner time and space if he or she needs it to process their emotions or the events that took place; don't let your anxiety and desire for certainty drive you to push your partner, husband, or wife to open up or share. Respect that each person has a way they processes, and so do you.
We Love The Chase
We, as humans, often want what we can't have. If you're chasing after somebody who's emotionally unavailable, it's going to be a never ending, dead-end chase, but that might be exciting to you. There's a lot of psychology behind this, too, it's called intermittent reinforcement.
To make a girl become obsessed with you, get into her brain and her heart by being her hero, minding your looks, making her laugh, and making her feel special. You'll need to tailor your efforts to the girl in question, but keeping these basic principles in mind should give you an idea of where to start!