Since narcissists and apologies do not seem to do very well together, you may want to take a step back and not bank on the chances that your narcissist partner would be the first to wave the forgiveness flag when you have hurt them in a relationship.
In an effort to acknowledge your mistake, the narcissist now has more things to use against you. Your apology sets off the narcissist punishment tactics. They go into attack mode to make it about you so they can boost their narcissistic supply.
Narcissists are constantly in self-protection mode. Another reason narcissists refuse to apologize is because to apologize requires empathy. Empathy is the capacity to place yourself into someone else's position and to understand what someone else is feeling.
Although narcissistic people can apologize, they're more likely to do so for their own benefit rather than out of genuine remorse. For example, a narcissist might offer an insincere apology to get something in return.
#1 The narcissist will become angry.
Telling them you forgive them is telling them they've done something wrong — something that requires forgiveness. If you think they should already know that, think again. They don't. They identify with their idealized self, their persona.
Narcissists do not feel guilty about abusing their loved ones because they convince themselves that whatever they do is justified. Narcissistic defenses are designed to distort reality and protect narcissists from seeing their flaws and mistakes.
When narcissists face the same situation, however, their refrain is, “No one could have seen this coming!” In refusing to acknowledge that they have made a mistake, narcissists fail to learn from those mistakes, a recent study from Oregon State University – Cascades found.
NO. Narcissists don't know they're hurting you. It doesn't even enter their minds. And, if you try to tell them how you feel, they get defensive and make you feel you're wrong again.
They Hold Grudges & Harbor Resentment
Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago.
Some narcissists - though by no means the majority - actually ENJOY abusing, taunting, tormenting, and freakishly controlling others ("gaslighting"). But most of them do these things absentmindedly, automatically, and, often, even without good reason.
Let them know the exact behavior you feel remorseful for
It helps to let them know that you are aware of the exact thing you did that hurt them. So, you may want to say something like, “I am sorry for treating your mother the way I did.”
They're stingy with money
I can't stress this enough. When you're dealing with a narcissist, nothing comes for free. In other words, if a narcissist spends money on you, it's because they want something from you. Whether it's complimenting them, offering friendship, providing a loan, or giving them a place to crash.
Be unattainable and focus on your well-being.
Don't give the person with NPD the satisfaction of seeing you lonely or depressed—they'll feel like they still have power over you. If they call or text, ignore them. If you can't, tell them that you're busy doing something else.
“I'm sorry you feel that way.”
With this phrase, they're implying that your feelings are your issues alone, and that they'll take no responsibility for their behavior. How to handle it: Without genuine remorse, no matter what the transgression was, they'll likely do it again. My advice is to simply disengage.
While people with narcissism aren't devoid of emotions, their motivations may be self-focused. They can know they're hurting your feelings, but as long as it elevates their status, they may not care. Someone living with narcissism does cry. They can feel regret, remorse, and sadness.
Narcissistic rage is common for those with NPD as they grow increasingly angry with any display of vulnerability. This anger can be triggered when they are “called out,” their image has been damaged, or their shortcomings or wrongdoings are highlighted.
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.
People with narcissistic personality disorder tend not to perceive that they themselves may have a mental health problem, and thus may be less likely to seek evaluation or treatment.
When a narcissist realizes they can no longer control you, it is common for them to use many different manipulation tactics to try to regain control over you, such as gaslighting, baiting, intermittent reinforcement, hoovering, narcissistic rage, discarding, smear campaigns, and self-victimization.
Narcissists hate feeling that they might be rejected or that you might conclude that they are defective. So, they go into compensation mode by turning the tables. They want to make it clear that you are the loser, while they are the winner.
The signs of narcissistic collapse may vary from person to person. In general, it may involve intense emotional reactions and a tendency toward vindictive behaviors, but it could also lead to depression and withdrawal. Narcissistic collapse isn't a permanent occurrence once it happens.