Gaslighters' payoff is knowing they've upset you. If you don't react or act bored, they will usually leave you alone. Some people try giving a gaslighter "a taste of his own medicine" by yelling and manipulating right back. This can work in the very short term, shocking the gaslighter into silence, but don't be fooled.
Typically, gaslighters do not want to break up. "In most cases, they want to stay in the relationship and keep it on their terms," says mental health counselor Rebecca Weiler.
Isolation. The gaslighter isolates you from friends and family, so you have little to no one to turn to for support or validation. For example, they might make you feel guilty and discourage you from spending time with your friends or family because they're jealous and prefer to keep you to themselves.
It is unlikely that ignoring a gaslighter will result in them stopping this behavior. Arguing with a gaslighter is also futile as the chances of them admitting they were wrong are very low. It is better not to argue and to stop explaining yourself and seeking their approval.
Gaslighters have fragile egos and low self-esteem, so use your own inner strength to keep the balance of power in your favor.
Gaslighting in a relationship is about power, domination, and often fear of losing control. Often a gaslighter will use some of the following tactics to maintain control over their partner: They use their love as a defense for their actions. They accuse their victim of being paranoid.
The best way to destroy a gaslighter is to appear emotionless. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so it's frustrating to them when they don't get the reaction they expected. When they realize you don't care anymore, they will likely try convincing you they'll change, but don't fall for it.
Many gaslighters may not realize they're gaslighting, and many people who are being gaslighted also fail to recognize it at first.
Unfortunately, gaslighters are experts at a technique called "hoovering," in which they try to suck you back into a relationship because they need a narcissistic "fix." Remember: Relationships with a gaslighter always get worse, regardless of how much they say they've changed.
If we stick to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two signature moves: They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.
In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.
The silent treatment is a common tactic used by narcissistic gaslighters by using this phrase to confuse the victim. You're gaslighting me! Gaslighters use this phrase to buy some time for themselves. Unfortunately, they do this by distressing the victim by using this phrase.
When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often change the subject or counter-attack by telling you that it's all your fault or you are the one with the problem. They may say that you made them act the way they did because you irritated them.
While some gaslighters are very aware that they are putting their behavior on someone else to get what they want, some who are projecting are not aware that they are doing it. In either case, projection is an unhealthy behavior and should not be tolerated. Some gaslighters unconsciously project out of guilt or shame.
Narcissistic gaslighting examples of this tactic include suggesting you're “confused,” “mixed up” or “misremembering.” Alternatively, they may take the opposite approach, saying something like, “I have no memory of that” or, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
Some of the most common reasons people gaslight are:
They use it to deflect their personal responsibility. They want to keep a people pleaser partner trying to please. They use it to gain power and control. They have a personality disorder like narcissist, borderline or antisocial personality disorder.
Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often, this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond.
Reasons Why a Narcissist Might Gaslight Someone
They may also do it to boost their ego or to make themselves feel better. They are insecure or have low self-esteem. They may also gaslight as a way to manipulate, hurt, or gain power or control over someone.
“Gaslighters are often narcissists and need a constant supply of attention. However, even if you devote 100 percent of yourself to loving and taking care of them, it will never be enough. They will make you feel like you will never be good enough for them,” Sarkis says.
Gaslighting can be part of a narcissistic personality, but it is not a core trait of narcissistic personality disorder. A narcissist may be self-promoting and feel superior to others; a gaslighter aims to make another person question their own self-value.