Widows stay single for many personal reasons, including loyalty to a past love, difficulty imagining loving someone else as deeply, prioritizing self-discovery and independence, feeling content with their current life (family, hobbies, freedom), lacking the emotional energy for a new relationship, or feeling it's unfair to a new partner or their own children, with factors like caretaking exhaustion or simply enjoying solitude playing big roles.
Working through the grief process and allowing it to run its natural course is what needs to happen in order for a person to truly realize that he/she can be happy again. For some people, it takes a long time to get to the stage of grief that involves hope and a willingness to be happy again.
Kathleen Rehl, herself a widow and former financial advisor, has outlined the three stages of widowhood in her book “Moving Forward on Your Own,” as grief, growth, and grace. Through her professional experience, she also covers in her book how a financial advisor can help widows through each stage.
Overcoming loneliness after the loss of a spouse
Finally, my most unexpected finding was that none of the widows I interviewed wanted to remarry. Their reasons fell into four categories: fear of losing another partner, wanting to keep their new-found freedom and independence, lack of interest in becoming a caretaker again, and worries about spousal abuse.
Finding #1 She wants to be understood. Each widow wants her advisor to understand her unique personality and be comfortable with helping her process through emotions. Even in the midst of the fog of her grief, she feels a burden to steward her abundance well.
The four behaviors that predict over 90% of divorces, known as Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen," are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which erode connection, respect, and safety, leading to relationship breakdown. These destructive communication patterns, if persistent, signal that a marriage is likely to end, with contempt being the most damaging.
At 2 months, about 24% of the bereaved meet criteria for major depression, at 1 year after the death, about 15% of the bereaved are depressed, and at 2 years, the rate of depression is about 7%.
For widows and widowers, the loss of their partner is a deeply painful experience that can take YEARS to heal. This healing takes a lot of time, and may not ever feel complete. They may struggle with feelings of grief, loneliness, and isolation.
But God's Word says something different.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Symptoms of prolonged grief disorder (APA, 2022) include:
True widow, (2). Illegal widow, (3). Married widow, (4). Imaginary widow, (5).
Do they see you cry those tears? The answer to that question is yes. Your loved ones absolutely see your tears upon your face.
Because of all the grief factors involved, most widows are faced with the temptation to isolate. Sometimes it just takes too much energy to even figure out what clothes to wear to go out of your house. It seems too difficult to talk on the phone with people.
U.S. law is set up so that people who divorce and remarry after getting a green card through marriage are expected to wait at least five years after they got their permanent residence before petitioning for a new spouse to receive the same benefit.
The 777 dating rule is a relationship strategy for intentional connection, suggesting couples schedule a date every 7 days, an overnight getaway every 7 weeks, and a longer vacation every 7 months to keep the spark alive, build memories, and prevent disconnection from daily life. It's about consistent, quality time, not necessarily grand gestures, and focuses on undivided attention to strengthen intimacy and partnership over time.
Following the first year of grief, many of us will feel like the worst is over and we'll move into our second year of widowhood with a sense of hope and optimism. However, year two often feels more gruelling than the first.
A widow should not go to enjoy or see a marriage ceremony, a group of travellers, public festivals like dance, music, etc. and also a well-dressed man. Though alone, she should never look at her own face in the mirror; should not stare at men enjoying freely in light mood.
The increased likelihood for a recently widowed person to die—often called the “widowhood effect”—is one of the best documented examples of the effect of social relations on health. The widowhood effect has been found among men and women of all ages throughout the world.
In summary, some evidence suggests that antidepressants, in particular tricyclics, may be effective for reducing depressive symptoms in bereavement-related depression, even if their effect might not be as dramatic or specific for grief intensity.
Hence, the probability that the wife will be the surviving spouse is 0.63 and, if she is the surviving spouse, her survivor life expectancy is 12.5 years. If the husband is the surviving spouse, his survivor life expectancy is 9.5 years.
Not only can crying help in the healing process of grief, but those who can't cry when they lose someone they love often are much more vulnerable to depression and other health problems, she says. “When people hold back their tears, it does seem to lead to mental and physical problems,” she says.
While many factors contribute, many experts point to poor communication (especially criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and a breakdown in emotional connection/trust, often stemming from dishonesty or disrespect, as the #1 things that destroy marriages, eroding intimacy and making partners feel unheard and unloved over time. Infidelity, financial stress, and shifting priorities (like putting family/in-laws above spouse) are also major contributors that feed these core issues.
Once upon a time when divorce was rare, most people were driven to it by what I call The Three A's– affairs, addictions or abuse. Divorce meant that someone was chronically cheating, repeatedly intoxicated, or physically violent.
Contempt. Of all the predictive factors, contempt is the most prominent one. Based on extensive research, Dr Gottman names the 'Four Horsemen' or four communication habits that are the best predictors of divorce.