People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) shut people out due to intense emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, and defense mechanisms like splitting, pushing others away when overwhelmed by perceived threats, feeling invalidated, or believing they don't deserve love, often to protect themselves from anticipated hurt or rejection. This behavior stems from deep-seated insecurity and trauma, where pushing someone away becomes a survival tactic to prevent the pain of being abandoned first or to manage overwhelming feelings, even if it's self-sabotaging.
Don't…
During a BPD episode, a person may display signs such as extreme anger, paranoia, or overwhelming sadness. They might lash out emotionally or withdraw completely. Episodes can also include impulsive behaviors, such as self-harm, reckless spending, or substance use, as a way to cope with their intense feelings.
Clinical experience suggests that social rejection and solitude can trigger states of aversive tension in individuals with BPD, and that these conditions often precede self-injurious behaviors (Herpertz, 1995; Stiglmayr et al., 2005).
Be trustworthy.
Many people with BPD have a history of attachment problems, which creates a sense of fear and mistrust. As a support person, it is important for you to be consistent and honest. As much as possible, do what you say you will do. It's okay and usually necessary to set limits ahead of time.
Some common warning signs include intense and rapidly changing emotions, often triggered by seemingly minor events. Individuals with BPD may exhibit impulsive behaviors such as substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
It can become further complicated in a relationship with a person with BPD, especially if lying and distrust are involved. They may feel overwhelmed by guilt, fear of abandonment or the pressure to maintain a specific image.
People with BPD might cut you off suddenly if they feel disrespected or rejected. If the person with BPD hasn't received care or insight into their diagnosis, this can sometimes lead to big reactions.
People with borderline personality disorder have a strong fear of abandonment or being left alone. Even though they want to have loving and lasting relationships, the fear of being abandoned often leads to mood swings and anger. It also leads to impulsiveness and self-injury that may push others away.
The Main Symptoms of Quiet BPD
Emotional Suppression: Those with quiet BPD tend to bottle up their emotions, keeping their inner turmoil hidden from the outside world. They may experience deep anger or sadness but prefer to internalize these feelings instead of expressing them outwardly.
Adult patients with BPD experience a wide range of other psychotic symptoms in addition to AVH, including hallucinations (11% visual hallucinations, 8% gustatory hallucinations, 17% olfactory hallucinations, 15% tactile hallucinations [19]), thought insertion (100%), thought blocking (90%), being influenced by another ...
How can I help myself in the longer term?
Intense and Unstable Relationships
This is often associated with their fear of abandonment and rejection. They may idealize someone one moment and then suddenly believe the person doesn't care or is cruel. This pattern can manifest in friendships, family relationships, and romantic partnerships.
Clinicians can be reluctant to make a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD). One reason is that BPD is a complex syndrome with symptoms that overlap many Axis I disorders. This paper will examine interfaces between BPD and depression, between BPD and bipolar disorder, and between BPD and psychoses.
But there are lots of positive things you can do to support them:
The "3 C's of BPD" typically refer to advice for loved ones of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, reminding them: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it," to help set boundaries and avoid taking on undue responsibility for the person's actions or illness. Another set of "C's" describes core BPD traits for individuals: Clinginess (fear of abandonment), Conflict (intense relationships/moods), and Confusion (unstable self-image).
Splitting is a thinking pattern where things feel extreme. When someone is splitting, they may see everything as all good or all bad, perfect or terrible. They may love or hate something with no in between. People with BPD, including those with quiet BPD, often struggle to see the gray area in situations.
Here are practical grounding techniques specifically tailored for managing BPD symptoms:
BPD Paranoia Examples
Extreme Sensitivity to Rejection: Overreacting to perceived signs of rejection, even when they might not exist. Seeing Patterns of Betrayal: Creating narratives where people are conspiring or plotting against them without substantial evidence.
Individuals having BPD are likely to experience extreme emotional discomfort, a misconceived sense of self, and a devastating fear of desertion. In some cases, when this becomes too hard to handle, some people resort to self-harming tendencies as a means of coping or having control.
Offer Distractions. Redirecting the focus of the individual during a BPD episode can provide a helpful break from overwhelming emotions. Distractions allow them to regain control of their feelings and may help them calm down more quickly.
People with BPD may experience rage when they perceive rejection, neglect, or abandonment in a relationship. During rage, a person may say or do things that they later regret. This could lead to ending the relationship in the heat of the moment. BPD rage is often followed by significant regret and shame.
Psychotic symptoms in BPD can include paranoia, auditory hallucinations, visual distortions, and severe dissociative episodes. Relationship conflicts and abandonment fears commonly trigger psychotic episodes in people with BPD.
Why BPD Symptoms Peak in Early Adulthood. In the 20s, identity formation and independence conflict with emotional vulnerability. Research shows impulsivity and mood swings occur most frequently between the ages of 18-25.
Because lying behavior happens frequently in this population it has resulted in some misconceptions. Even though many people believe lying is part of borderline personality disorder, the link between BPD and lying is not so clearly defined. In fact, if you review the symptoms of BPD, lying is nowhere to be found.