For the avoidant it is important to understand that secrecy is in fact a form of (often unconscious) control that stems from low self-esteem - by keeping things from someone we seek to control their view of us because, at heart, we don't believe they will accept the real, uglier version, so we don't want them to see it ...
So when their trigger systems become activated, avoidants feel the urge to end relationships without a reasonable explanation and enact breakups without warning, often without answers, simply as they don't have the access to their emotions to understand it themselves, which can give them a reputation for being cruel or ...
Why? Avoidant people are hypersensitive to issues of control or manipulation. From childhood, they were taught that uncomfortable feelings come from failing someone. They perceive requests as criticisms for their own actions, thus you're being too demanding.
Once again, people with a dismissive-avoidant style showed that they did care about relationships. Dismissive avoidant students reported higher self-esteem and positive mood than non-dismissives—but only when told that surgency predicts future interpersonal success.
Love Avoidants recognize and are attracted to the Love Addict's strong fear of being left because Love Avoidants know that all they have to do to trigger their partner's fear is threaten to leave.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
They do have similarities, but there are also differences that have an impact on the relationship. As a general statement, all narcissists are love avoidant, but people can be love avoidant and not be narcissists.
Deception may be used as a way to preserve an individual's independence (Solomon, 1993), in which case those individuals with avoidant attachment styles would be more likely to lie to their partner.
Avoidant attachers may be prone to sabotaging their healthy relationships. Their mistrust of their partners' intentions, combined with their fear of intimacy, can sometimes lead to them subconsciously behave in a way that pushes their partners away.
But sadly, someone with an avoidant personality disorder, finds it very difficult to develop healthy relationships with boundaries. Individuals with this disorder also find it difficult to trust or express their deepest feelings for fear of abandonment, rejection, or loss.
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses. The authors' results for the anxiously attached individuals were less consistent.
Studies have found that avoidant attachers are less likely to date or seek relationships. In other words, they are more prone to having smaller social circles and, thus, may stay single for longer periods of time.
Dismissive/Avoidant - Avoidant attachment is typically exhibited by a rejection of intimacy and independence, however, their independence is more to avoid dependence on others rather than feeling secure. This is often considered an unhealthy attachment style.
The most difficult type of insecure attachment is the disorganized attachment style.
In fact, if either partner was anxiously attached, the couple had higher odds of one of them being unfaithful. Those with a partner who had an avoidant attachment style actually had the lowest rates of infidelity.
Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met. Perfectionism; nothing is good enough, the standard is set unrealistically high for themselves and often for others.
On the other hand, people with an avoidant attachment may be attracted to anxious partners because their pursuit and need for closeness reinforce the avoidant person's need for independence and self-reliance. Anxious and avoidant partners may also seek their partner's traits due to wanting those traits in themselves.
When we look at some of the areas that people with an avoidant attachment style struggle in, it's easy to focus on extremes or exaggerate the way they interact with you. But your spouse can be avoidantly attached to you and still be a faithful, committed, reliable person in the marriage.
Because of this emotional distancing, they tend to be less empathic toward people in need (Joireman, Needham, & Cummings, 2001; Wayment, 2006). Further, avoidant people tend to respond negatively to their partner's emotions because those emotions can signal that they need more attention and intimacy.
While love addicts require constant emotional reassurance and attention as proof of a loving relationship, the love avoidant person often feels that their love is proven simply by supporting their partner on an economic and physical level. For the emotionally avoidant person, love becomes an obligation.
Dismissive-Avoidant Emotional Abuse
Adults who have an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are more likely to instigate such abuse. Instead of desiring intimacy, they are so afraid of closeness that they avoid emotional connection with others. They'd rather not rely on others or be reliant on others.
Avoidants will shut down if they feel like you're rushing them. Let your partner take the lead in the relationship so things progress at their pace. It might feel like you're going nowhere sometimes, but your partner will slowly grow more comfortable in your relationship. They just need to be sure you won't leave.
Triggers of Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant individuals tend to feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable when another person wants to be emotionally vulnerable and physically intimate. This is because they have learned that depending on others, wanting to be close, and looking for support will be met with rejection.
According to adult attachment experts Phil Shaver and Mario Mikulincer, avoidant partners often react angrily to perceived slights or other threats to their self-esteem, for example, whenever the other person fails to support or affirm their inflated self-image.