While both are profoundly devastating, the death of a child is generally considered the most traumatic loss, shattering core beliefs and hopes, whereas losing a parent, though incredibly painful, is often seen as part of life's natural cycle (though still deeply disruptive). The intensity of grief varies for everyone, but losing a child involves confronting the loss of a future, while losing a parent means losing a life-long guide and foundation, making both uniquely difficult experiences.
A young child suffers severe emotional trauma when they lose a parent. An adult may not experience the same amount of grief when a 90 year old parent with severe health problems and very poor quality of life dies. For them loss of a child or spouse would probably be much more difficult and cause more intense grief.
The death of a husband or wife is well recognized as an emotionally devastating event, being ranked on life event scales as the most stressful of all possible losses.
The death of a child is so profound, it's like no other form of loss. There's no such thing as getting over the death of a child. Instead, bereaved parents must learn to adapt to a life without our child. We must reconcile the reality that we'll feel some level of pain for the rest of our lives.
Why is losing a parent such a surprisingly gut-wrenching trauma? The shock is in the disconnect between intellectual awareness and emotional reality. Parents are a pre-existing condition. They're the one constant in our lives, making it difficult to grasp the idea that they won't be around forever.
Some of these changes will be forever and long lasting, but some will only be part of the acute and early stages of grieving (whatever that timeline looks like for you). And some of these changes aren't necessarily all bad. Losing a loved one is just about the worst thing that can happen to any of us.
There are 7 stages of grief in the grieving process. They include shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. This process helps people heal after experiencing loss.
The death of a parent is always traumatic1 and in UK 5% of children are bereaved of a parent before age of 16.
The death of a child of any age is a profound, difficult, and painful experience. While bereavement is stressful whenever it occurs, studies continue to provide evidence that the greatest stress, and often the most enduring one, occurs for parents who experience the death of a child [1–6].
By age 83—the time essentially half of women die—two-thirds of their husbands will have died. An even split would be 24.1% of each gender, but men have an extra 18.8% dead. If you take the ratio of their deaths, you end up with your answer: 64% of men die before their wives.
You finally accept the flaws they had and miss those too.
While they might have gotten on your nerves back then you'd do anything now to experience those things all over again. You might not have liked the way they did some things, but they weren't as bad as you had in the past made them out to be.
The following tips may give you some ideas about what to do in your "grief time":
Who should come first in your life, your kids or your spouse/partner? It may feel strange, but putting your spousal relationship first is helpful for the whole family. Your children can feel more secure and happy when they witness a strong marriage between their parents.
In the year following the loss of a parent, the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) considers it healthy for adults who have lost their parents to experience a range of contradictory emotions, including anger, rage, sadness, numbness, anxiety, guilt, emptiness, regret, and remorse.
In many cultures, the number 40 carries profound symbolic meaning. It represents a period of transition, purification, and spiritual transformation. The 40-day period is often seen as a time for the departed's soul to complete its journey to the afterlife, seeking forgiveness, redemption, and peace.
What Not to Do When You're Grieving
The Three Cs of grief—Choose, Connect, and Communicate—provide a framework for managing loss and promoting healing. Understanding cognitive challenges and emotional fluctuations during grief, known as 'grief brain' and emotional rollercoasters, is essential for developing effective coping strategies.
Not only can crying help in the healing process of grief, but those who can't cry when they lose someone they love often are much more vulnerable to depression and other health problems, she says. “When people hold back their tears, it does seem to lead to mental and physical problems,” she says.
The death of a parent leads to many changes in the life of a child (Umberson, 2003). In particular, the death may activate psychosocial and health-related mechanisms (such as mental and physical health, health behaviors) that may increase the risk for cognitive impairment throughout life.
See our 10 tips for things you shouldn't do after they've died: