Over-apologizing can happen for a variety of reasons. Some of the most common reasons, according to Jocelyn Hamsher, a therapist in Arizona, include: false guilt (feeling responsible for something you are not responsible for) carried guilt (feeling guilt for someone else's behavior because they don't feel guilt)
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology.
The first choice is to accept it. That is the path of least resistance. Choosing this sounds bad, but if it's something that doesn't bother you, but you just notice it, it doesn't have to be toxic. If you feel intimidated by fake apologies, you must let the other person know that it bothers you.
“I'm sorry,” is just a string of words. No matter how close you are with someone or good you think that person is, an apology without change is manipulation. That doesn't have to mean that you should remove that person from your life, though, nor does it mean that your relationship is unsalvageable.
A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
Signs of Narcissist Gaslighting
They may try to make you feel like you're overreacting or being too sensitive by saying things like, “You're being paranoid,” or “You're imagining things.” They might also try to control what you do and who you see by trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
If you're still hurt, mad, or upset
If you're still hurt or upset by someone's actions, be open about this. Let them say their apology and acknowledge their effort, but be clear that you aren't fully ready to move forward yet. Commit to revisiting it later after letting your emotions settle.
Manipulators use fake apologies (among other tactics) to make you feel like you owe them something for calling them out. They'll deny and gaslight you if that serves their purpose.
But repetitive, nearly constant apologies for every little thing—or, what Psychologist Paige Carambio, PsyD calls, “apologizing for existing”—can actually be an after-effect of trauma, a self-preservation technique survivors may think they still need to utilize in order to protect themselves.
"I'm sorry if I disappointed you" "I'm sorry if you didn't like it" These are examples of a conditional apology. Often, what comes after the word "if" places blame and judgment onto the person the apology is directed at and calls into question the legitimacy of how they are reacting and feeling.
Use of passive voice avoids taking responsibility. “Okay, I apologize. I didn't know this was such a sensitive issue for you.” Sounds grudging, thrusts the blame back on to the offended person (for “sensitivity”).
Apologies have been defined as involving acceptance of responsibility for an offense and an acknowledgment of its wrongfulness. In contrast, pseudo-apologies index a stance lacking in remorse.
The defensive apology
The following are some examples: “I'm sorry. I was wrong and I know it but if you hadn't pressured me the way you did, I would never have done it.
Those who live with narcissism may find it difficult to hold positive and negative feelings for someone at the same time. As a result, things may get heated in an argument. You may experience insults, put-downs, and even mocking behaviors, like laughing as you express hurt.
Apologize. If you've heard someone say, “Narcissists never apologize,” they're not exactly right. While many traits of narcissism like entitlement, elitism, and arrogance make it unlikely someone with narcissistic traits will go the apology route, apologies are sometimes used with ulterior motives.
The apology from a narcissist is rarely to make someone else feel better. Narcissists use apologies to return the advantage to them. Narcissists function in a continuous game of control and manipulation. In order to control others, they must feel like they have the upper hand.