Happiest marriages share deep friendship, kindness, trust, and respect, coupled with strong, positive communication (active listening, no name-calling) and a team mentality, where couples support each other's individual growth while creating shared meaning and fun, often involving humor, shared values, and mutual appreciation. They prioritize connection through small daily routines, navigate conflicts respectfully without becoming adversarial, and maintain individual interests and support systems outside the relationship, avoiding codependency.
Shared values. Each other's best friends. Independent interests. Trust and trustworthiness. People grow, and it takes work to grow together rather than apart. We've been married 56 years so far.
Below, Eller breaks down those qualities so you can look for—and foster them—in your marriage.
The 777 rule for marriage is a relationship guideline to keep couples connected by scheduling specific, regular quality time: a date night every 7 days, a night away (getaway) every 7 weeks, and a romantic holiday every 7 months, often without kids, to foster intimacy, reduce stress, and prevent routine from overtaking the relationship. It's about consistent, intentional efforts to prioritize the partnership.
The 2-2-2 rule for marriage is a guideline to keep a relationship strong and connected: have a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years. This system encourages regular, intentional quality time, breaks from routine, and deeper connection by ensuring couples prioritize each other amidst daily life, work, and family, preventing stagnation and fostering fun.
While many factors contribute, many experts point to poor communication (especially criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and a breakdown in emotional connection/trust, often stemming from dishonesty or disrespect, as the #1 things that destroy marriages, eroding intimacy and making partners feel unheard and unloved over time. Infidelity, financial stress, and shifting priorities (like putting family/in-laws above spouse) are also major contributors that feed these core issues.
survived the dreaded two-year mark (i.e. the most common time period when couples break up), then you're destined to be together forever… right? Unfortunately, the two-year mark isn't the only relationship test to pass, nor do you get to relax before the seven-year itch.
Follow the four golden rules – don't lie, keep your promises, argue productively and always play nice – and your relationship will never go anywhere but forward.
The 5-5-5 rule in marriage refers to two main communication techniques: one where couples spend 5 minutes each speaking and 5 minutes dialoguing (5-5-5), and another where a person asks if an issue will matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, and 5 years to gain perspective. Both methods aim to de-escalate conflict, encourage active listening, and focus on long-term understanding rather than immediate reactions, fostering healthier communication and connection.
Gottman's 7 Principles
The four behaviors that predict over 90% of divorces, known as Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen," are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which erode connection, respect, and safety, leading to relationship breakdown. These destructive communication patterns, if persistent, signal that a marriage is likely to end, with contempt being the most damaging.
These are not the only important qualities, but they are part of what can build a sturdy relationship. Take them in the spirit in which they are offered—as a a lens to think about your own relationship. This blog is part of a series on the five Cs: Chemistry, Commonality, Constructive Conflict, Courtesy and Commitment.
These top issues that married couples face are financial struggles, parenting conflict, and family drama. These 3 issues seem to be the normal issues presented in therapy and they are very common in my practice today.
Divorce lawyers, psychologists, and researchers have slotted years of marriage into periods and have rated them based on their risk of divorce:
There are three main things that happily married couples do to maintain a healthy relationship. They are committed, communicate well and aren't afraid to compromise. These are the three C's of happy marriage. Happily married people are not just committed, they're also more than happy to demonstrate that commitment.
16 Characteristics of a Happy Couple
Contempt. Of all the predictive factors, contempt is the most prominent one. Based on extensive research, Dr Gottman names the 'Four Horsemen' or four communication habits that are the best predictors of divorce.
Establish a 10-minute rule. Every day, for 10 minutes, talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems, no scheduling, no logistics. Tell each other about your lives.
The 7-7-7 rule is a structured method for couples to regularly reconnect, involving a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway every 7 weeks, and a kid-free vacation every 7 months.
To make your wife feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. And To make your husband feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief.
The Four Cs of Marriage Relationships: Communication, Connection, Compatibility, and Chemistry.
The "3x3 rule" in marriage is a guideline for balancing individual and couple time, suggesting each partner gets three hours of alone time per week and the couple spends three hours of quality time together, often recommended for busy parents to reduce resentment and reconnect by scheduling protected "me time" and dedicated "us time". It's a strategy to ensure both personal well-being and relationship connection are prioritized, preventing burnout and rekindling sparks through intentional, scheduled breaks and shared experiences.
You know a relationship is over when there's a consistent lack of effort, connection, and mutual respect, marked by emotional distance, contempt (eye-rolling, ridicule), poor communication, no shared future vision, and one or both partners no longer prioritizing the relationship or each other's well-being, indicating a fundamental breakdown where neither person is willing to work on it anymore.
The "72-hour rule" after a breakup generally means implementing a period of no contact for at least three days (72 hours) to allow intense emotions to subside, enabling clearer thinking and a less impulsive reaction, whether that's reaching out or making big decisions. This time helps move you from shock into processing, calming the brain's emergency response, and setting a healthier foundation for recovery and deciding next steps, preventing you from acting solely from heartbreak.
It's not just December – January brings break-ups too
“Sometimes we make promises to ourselves that we aren't going to have another year like this in our relationship, and the break-up happens early in the new year,” Mitchell explains. Together, December and January form what experts now call 'break-up season'.