People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often attract personalities seeking intensity, validation, or a caretaker role, such as narcissists (who need admiration and offer a strong presence) or codependents (highly empathetic "fixers"), creating intense but often volatile dynamics. Initially, the BPD's idealization and intense affection meet the narcissist's need for attention, while the caretaker's desire to heal wounds matches the BPD's emotional chaos, leading to powerful, yet sometimes unhealthy, initial connections.
Those who have BPD tend to be very intense, dramatic, and exciting. This means they tend to attract others who are depressed and/or suffering low self-esteem. People who take their power from being a victim, or seek excitement in others because their own life is not where they want it to be.
In BPD, hypersexuality can be seen as a maladaptive coping mechanism used to manage intense emotional distress or feelings of emptiness, often associated with the disorder. The temporary relief or pleasure derived from sexual activity can provide a fleeting escape from these uncomfortable feelings.
A Swedish national study reported that 95.7% of individuals with a BPD diagnosis had a comorbid psychiatric diagnosis [8]. Mood disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), impulsive disorders, and bipolar disorders are commonly associated with BPD symptoms and diagnosis [9–11].
Due to the marked similarities between BPD symptomatology and fearful/disorganized attachment (Beeney et al., 2017), it is hypothesized that the combination of anxious and avoidant dimensions will correspond most powerfully with BPD.
The BPD favorite person can be anyone, but it's often a romantic partner, family member, good friend, or another supportive person (like a coach, therapist, or teacher.) This person may become the source of all happiness and validation (potentially leading to relationship burnout for the other partner.)
Sexual, physical or emotional abuse or neglect. Losing a parent.
When a BPD person is splitting, they may distort how they see things. One moment they feel good and the next they feel low. One moment they feel loved and the next they feel unwanted or abandoned. Borderline Personality Disorder splitting can destroy your relationship by inflicting pain on the partner.
The best partner for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is one who understands the unique challenges and needs of their loved one. This includes being empathetic, patient, and supportive while also maintaining their own boundaries and self-care practices.
This usually begins with idealization or the “honeymoon phase,” where the BPD partner has you on a pedestal and believes you will never do anything wrong. This period can last a few days or go on for months. However, it will typically and inevitably be followed by devaluation, or loss of respect and admiration.
BPD limerence is when borderline personality traits (BPD) meet with obsessive romantic attachment. It creates an emotionally intense experience where fear of abandonment meets desperate longing.
How can I help myself in the longer term?
The "3 C's of BPD" typically refer to advice for loved ones of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, reminding them: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it," to help set boundaries and avoid taking on undue responsibility for the person's actions or illness. Another set of "C's" describes core BPD traits for individuals: Clinginess (fear of abandonment), Conflict (intense relationships/moods), and Confusion (unstable self-image).
"People who tend to attract narcissists are those who assume the best in others or always see someone's potential or who believe everyone can change and deserves a second chance," Cole says.
Why BPD Symptoms Peak in Early Adulthood. In the 20s, identity formation and independence conflict with emotional vulnerability. Research shows impulsivity and mood swings occur most frequently between the ages of 18-25.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by difficulties with emotional regulation and unstable personal relationships. Many people with BPD have a “favorite person” — this is the person they rely on.
People with NPD can be highly charismatic and confident, traits that appeal to people struggling with self-doubt or identity issues—as is often the case with BPD. For those with BPD, the allure of a narcissist's charm and assertiveness can feel like a solution to their internal struggles.
Don't…
It is important to recognize that BPD symptoms, including devaluation, can fluctuate over time and may occur in cycles. The devaluation stage may last for hours, days, or even weeks, depending on the person and the relationship dynamics involved.
A “Favorite Person” is someone with whom a person with BPD forms an intense emotional attachment. This relationship is often marked by a combination of deep admiration, dependence and fear of abandonment. The FP becomes a central figure in the individual's life, often absorbing much of their emotional energy and focus.
Being married to someone with BPD can make you feel like you're being left alone with your worries and stresses. The stress and uncertainty associated with caring for the individual through their mood swings can take an emotional toll on a spouse.
Some couples stay together for years, while others find the relationship too volatile to sustain. The BPD relationship cycle is a recurring sequence of emotional highs and lows that can repeat many times unless both partners seek support.
Conclusions: Parental externalizing psychopathology and father's BPD traits contribute genetic risk for offspring BPD traits, but mothers' BPD traits and parents' poor parenting constitute environmental risks for the development of these offspring traits.
Signs of childhood trauma
For example, a person with borderline personality disorder may be more likely to experience symptoms of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, substance use disorders, or eating disorders.