Approximately 85% of marriages in the US last 10 years or more, according to research by the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) focusing on marriages formed between 2010 and 2012.
Meanwhile, marriages lasted for a median of 13.2 years – up from 12.1 in 2020 and 13 last year. The statistics align with an Australian Institute of Family Studies report that in February found the divorce rate had in 2023 fallen to its lowest level since the implementation of the 1975 Family Law Act.
The four behaviors that predict over 90% of divorces, known as Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen," are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which erode connection, respect, and safety, leading to relationship breakdown. These destructive communication patterns, if persistent, signal that a marriage is likely to end, with contempt being the most damaging.
The 2-2-2 rule for marriage is a guideline to keep a relationship strong and connected: have a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years. This system encourages regular, intentional quality time, breaks from routine, and deeper connection by ensuring couples prioritize each other amidst daily life, work, and family, preventing stagnation and fostering fun.
Four-in-ten divorces occur in the first decade of marriage; nearly a quarter occur after 25 years. There is a lot of variation in how long marriages that end in divorce last, but many end in the first decade. Some 16% of divorces in 2023 occurred within the first five years of marriage.
The 7-7-7 rule is a structured method for couples to regularly reconnect, involving a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway every 7 weeks, and a kid-free vacation every 7 months.
While many factors contribute, many experts point to poor communication (especially criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and a breakdown in emotional connection/trust, often stemming from dishonesty or disrespect, as the #1 things that destroy marriages, eroding intimacy and making partners feel unheard and unloved over time. Infidelity, financial stress, and shifting priorities (like putting family/in-laws above spouse) are also major contributors that feed these core issues.
survived the dreaded two-year mark (i.e. the most common time period when couples break up), then you're destined to be together forever… right? Unfortunately, the two-year mark isn't the only relationship test to pass, nor do you get to relax before the seven-year itch.
The 5-5-5 rule in marriage refers to two main communication techniques: one where couples spend 5 minutes each speaking and 5 minutes dialoguing (5-5-5), and another where a person asks if an issue will matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, and 5 years to gain perspective. Both methods aim to de-escalate conflict, encourage active listening, and focus on long-term understanding rather than immediate reactions, fostering healthier communication and connection.
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Once upon a time when divorce was rare, most people were driven to it by what I call The Three A's– affairs, addictions or abuse. Divorce meant that someone was chronically cheating, repeatedly intoxicated, or physically violent.
Contempt. Of all the predictive factors, contempt is the most prominent one. Based on extensive research, Dr Gottman names the 'Four Horsemen' or four communication habits that are the best predictors of divorce.
The median age at divorce has been increasing for both men and women, now reaching its highest point at 47.1 years for men and 44.1 years for women. The number of divorces involving children under 18 years remained stable over the last decade at 1 in 2.
There's no single answer, as suffering in divorce is highly individual, but research shows women often face greater financial hardship and poverty risk, while men tend to struggle more with emotional adjustment, depression, and loneliness, though both experience significant challenges, especially regarding children, finances, and loss of intimacy. Children also suffer greatly from parental conflict, disrupted routines, and loyalty conflicts, with the outcome depending heavily on co-parenting quality.
Grey divorce or late-life divorce is the demographic trend of an increasing divorce rate for older ("grey-haired") couples in long-lasting marriages, a term typically used for people over 50. Those who divorce may be called silver splitters. Divorcing late in life can cause financial difficulties.
Establish a 10-minute rule. Every day, for 10 minutes, talk alone about something other than work, the family and children, the household, the relationship. No problems, no scheduling, no logistics. Tell each other about your lives.
Years 5–8: Very Risky. Here are the reasons why this phase represents some of the hardest years of marriage: Small children need a lot of care and attention, and juggling between housekeeping and work becomes a very tough task, leading to differences and resentment.
The 3-day rule after an argument is a guideline designed to help couples work through an argument in the healthiest way possible. By giving your partner time and space to breathe, it's easier to resolve any underlying issues before they have the chance to blow up into something more.
The "72-hour rule" after a breakup generally means implementing a period of no contact for at least three days (72 hours) to allow intense emotions to subside, enabling clearer thinking and a less impulsive reaction, whether that's reaching out or making big decisions. This time helps move you from shock into processing, calming the brain's emergency response, and setting a healthier foundation for recovery and deciding next steps, preventing you from acting solely from heartbreak.
You know a relationship is over when there's a consistent lack of effort, connection, and mutual respect, marked by emotional distance, contempt (eye-rolling, ridicule), poor communication, no shared future vision, and one or both partners no longer prioritizing the relationship or each other's well-being, indicating a fundamental breakdown where neither person is willing to work on it anymore.
The study found that approximately 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women and women are also more likely to end non-marital relationships as well. And while a break-up can often be bittersweet for women – a combination of sadness, and some hopefully optimism for the future, that just isn't the case for men.
The Three A's – Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction
Therapists would love for every marriage to be able to be saved, but that just simply isn't realistic. Every marriage therapist knows when a couple comes into their office and are dealing with one of what we call, The Three A's …
Emotional distance
As communication deteriorates, spouses may start to feel more like roommates than romantic partners. This emotional disconnection can lead to a lack of empathy and understanding, making each partner feel isolated and alone, which is a major factor in things that kill a marriage.
The biggest divorce mistake is often letting emotions control decisions, leading to impulsive actions, but failing to seek early legal and financial advice is equally critical, as it can severely jeopardize your long-term financial security and rights, especially regarding property division and child custody. Other major errors include hiding assets, not focusing on children's needs, and using the process for revenge rather than resolution.