Push/Pull behaviors Pulling someone into a close relationship and then pushing that person away repeatedly is one of the most well-known symptoms of BPD. It causes the person in question to be confused about where they stand in the relationship.
The psychology of pushing people away 101
There's generally a valid reason why we start pushing away those we love: Trauma, breakups, or mental health crises reduce our sense of self-worth. We fear rejection, leading us to avoid the risk of emotionally investing in people. Our behavior changes.
You may push people away because you don't feel like you're worth others' time and energy. This problem relates to low self esteem and self compassion. Low self esteem can stem from other mental health struggles, like depression or anxiety. It can also trace back to your childhood, when your inner voice was shaped.
And some people with anxiety constantly push the supportive partner away. At some point, the partner will give up if the effort to address the anxiety isn't being addressed and the doors of communication are closed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some people avoid relationships as a way of dealing with their anxiety. They may avoid negative emotions (for example, disappointment or frustration) by not revealing their feelings, opening up, or being vulnerable.
Pushing people away in these cases may cause a temporary relief from anxiety or agitation, but the tension that has bubbled up is likely to recur unless the root causes are addressed. Pushing people away again and again is a frequent sign of mental health problems such as depression and trauma.
disaffect. verblose affection for, estrange. agitate. alienate. antagonize.
Mental health issues, such as depression and stress, can also be the reasons why you push people away even when you need them. Some people may push the ones they love away when stressed or sad because they either don't want to burden them or they want to deal with their problems in private.
Social anxiety disorder (social phobia) involves high levels of anxiety, fear and avoidance of social situations due to feelings of embarrassment, self-consciousness and concern about being judged or viewed negatively by others.
While disconnection may be a preference for some, for others, it can be a sign or symptom of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. In other cases, social isolation can exacerbate mental health or interpersonal issues.
Instead, you need to try and understand why they are pushing away and why they are doing so in the way that they are. If they're going through a tough time, give them the space that they need. If they're angry or upset with you, try not to take it personally and instead ask what's wrong.
Or it may be unintentional or subtle, such as someone avoiding you because the person assumes you could be unstable, violent or dangerous due to your mental illness. You may even judge yourself. Some of the harmful effects of stigma can include: Reluctance to seek help or treatment.
Social isolation is a common symptom of depression. People who are depressed often experience low mood, loss of interest, fatigue, hopelessness, and loss of motivation, all of which can make it difficult to maintain social connections.
People with issues might be drawn to you because you are a comfortable person to be around who creates a safe space. It gives them a feeling of proximity and secureness which they don't experience from other people because they don't have the same patience and listening skills as you do.
A fear of intimacy can prevent you from allowing people to become close — emotionally isolating you to avoid feeling hurt. The fear of abandonment can do the opposite.
A fear of intimacy can sometimes be linked to trust issues in a relationship and fear of rejection. If someone's trying to avoid connecting on a deeper level, it's not uncommon for a fear of trust to also be present.
To the people I've pushed away, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I made you angry whenever I didn't accept your help. I'm sorry if you didn't feel appreciated because you thought I wasn't listening to taking what you said into consideration.
Some common reasons why someone might push you away are: They need space and don't know how to ask for it. They're overwhelmed with work or family life. They're dealing with physical or mental health issues.
See definition of pushover on Dictionary.com.
So pushing people away becomes a defense mechanism to keep people from being too close - where they can feel hurt. Often, the triggering of old trauma wounds ignites a sense of being overwhelmed. People become flooded with feelings of anxiety and may experience panic attacks.
One of the most common reasons people find themselves running away from someone is fear; not that they're afraid of the person but how the relationship could affect them.
"Someone with a fear of intimacy [has] a hard time sharing certain parts of themselves. They may even choose to only engage in casual, fling-like encounters in order to avoid the vulnerability that comes with a deeper connection," Lurie says.