Defensiveness is most often a response to criticism. It's when a person tries to defend themselves from feeling angry, hurt, or ashamed when they perceive the other person as critical. Criticism may make the other partner feel anxious or worried that the other partner does not care for them.
In general, being defensive is usually the result of psychosocial causes rather than biological or chemical causes. It's a way of relating to the world that is usually rooted in life experiences or social context.
Defensive individuals often have control and power issues, and perceive anyone confronting them or holding them accountable as a threat. They are uncomfortable with feelings in general and managing their own.
An example of defensive behavior stemming from trauma is when someone has been through abuse in the past and has a hard time trusting other people because of it. So when their partner questions them about something, they lash out with defensive actions to keep others away so that nothing bad happens again.
Individuals with BPD traits develop maladaptive behaviors that can be difficult for friends and families to understand, often resulting in chaotic relationships. People with personality disorders often use “defense mechanisms”, or coping strategies, that allow them to deny responsibility for their feelings and actions.
Narcissists are extremely sensitive individuals with very low self-esteem. When their shortcomings are pointed out, they become defensive and frustrated. Their delusions of grandeur are put on display and their inadequacies are highlighted.
Defensive behaviors are a group of evolved responses to threat. They include flight, freezing, defensive threat, defensive attack, and risk assessment. The type of defensive behavior elicited in a particular situation depends on features of both the threat and the situation.
Being defensive is toxic to you and your partner as a whole because it causes arguments, fights, and tension among you both. In addition, when people are being defensive, they may be mean or rude and not express their feelings about an issue or situation.
Being defensive blocks connection, compassion, and isolates you from your partner. Instead of focusing on we-ness, a defensive person focuses on me-ness. Defensiveness is one of the most dangerous signs of toxic fighting because it creates never-ending cycles of negativity.
They may have low self-esteem or depression. They may experience self-blame, guilt, or shame about what they are perceiving as criticism. These feelings and experiences may lead the person to defend themselves and try to stop feeling this way. This can lead them to become defensive.
In almost all cases, defensiveness is the result of emotional insecurity and fear. And when we feel insecure and don't know how to manage our fears—especially in the relationships where there's a lot at stake—we tend to fall back on primitive coping strategies like defensiveness to feel better.
Arms Crossed Across The Chest
Sitting or standing with your arms crossed across your chest is nearly always seen as defensive body language. Universally, when a person crosses their arms, they are viewed as insecure, annoyed, or closed off.
Avoid Negative Reactions
It may help you to avoid negatively reacting to their defensiveness to remember that it probably isn't anything personal. As mentioned above, most defensive people learn the behavior early in life. Sometimes it is because they were the victims of emotional abuse themselves.
Tactile defensiveness (TD) is a disturbance in sensory processing and is observed in some children with attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
“You might say, for example, 'I want to talk to you about what happened yesterday. And I want you to know that I'm not attacking you, and I don't want you to feel defensive. I just want to tell you how I felt or what I think occurred,'” says Roberts. This can help you to manage expectations from the jump.
Defensive behavior is a learned coping mechanism triggered in early childhood or adult relationships. As a learned behavior, it can be modified into more constructive behaviors, but it does take increasing self-awareness and developing a willingness to take responsibility for your defensive behavior.
Defensive individuals don't like to “work through” emotional issues in the collaborative way adults are expected to. They can be highly impulsive and quick in their emotional reactions, without pausing to think things through in a balanced way. Finally, they tend to avoid too much emotional closeness with others.
Defensiveness shows itself through trauma for a variety of reasons. According to science, defensiveness is a common symptom for those who struggle with trauma, especially those who struggle with trauma related to sexual violence.
Controlling. One of the most dangerous traits of a toxic person is controlling behavior. They may try to restrict you from contacting your friends or family, or limit resources like transportation or access to money to restrict your ability to interact with the world around you.
Answer: Generally, when people talk about someone becoming defensive in the context of a conversation, they are meaning that that someone is engaging in emotionally defensive maneuvers designed to ward off their having to experience some unwanted feeling or admit responsibility for some disowned act.
Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed.
Does being defensive mean you're lying? Simply put, if the person seems to be over-explaining their situation and is angered by your questions, they could have something to hide. On the other hand, experts are quick to point out that when someone is defensive, it isn't always a sign that they're lying.
“It's not my fault, it's because of you/money/stress/work.” “If you wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have done that.” “You knew what you were getting into; this is just the way that I am.”