Cheating, in its many forms, is always ego-driven i.e., people cheat for selfish reasons, not because of their partner. It's often a combination of factors like low self-esteem, dissatisfaction, and opportunity. If someone cheats on you, it's not your fault – it was their choice.
Research finds that the people who are most likely to cheat are (1) less satisfied with their relationship overall, (2) less sexually satisfied, (3) have higher levels of sexual desire in general, and (4) report less love for one's partner.
Causes of Infidelity: What's Missing for Them? People who cheat are often looking for things they don't get from their current relationship. They might want more attention, to feel loved, or just to feel important to someone. It's like they're trying to fill a gap that's been there for a while.
If you've cheated, you've broken a commitment to someone else. And you've likely lied, been deceptive in your behavior, and deliberately sneaky. It should be no surprise that you've destroyed your ability to be trusted. People who know about your cheating will recognize that your trustworthiness is now limited.
Someone might cheat as a way of coping with these newer parts of their identity. Maybe they tap into a sexual desire that never existed before. Or they learn their relationship doesn't have the type of intimate conversations they value. Some people might cheat because the relationship has never really been defined.
Cheating on a partner doesn't always mean love is gone.
Many who cheat still feel love for their partner and guilt for the infidelity. Cheating can stem from emotional distance, insecurity, or the fear of missing out. Addiction, stress, or past trauma can drive infidelity without negating love.
Participants self-reported cheating, and analysis of their motives revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance.
There are several types of personalities that have been found to be more prone to cheating, including narcissists, psychopaths, and those with an avoidant attachment style.
Betrayal trauma activates the brain's threat detection system in profoundly destabilizing ways. According to neuroscientific research, the brain responds to betrayal in a manner similar to how it responds to physical danger because, on a relational level, it poses a threat to survival.
Soft cheating (or micro-cheating) involves subtle, often digital, behaviors that cross relationship boundaries and breach trust without being full-blown infidelity, like excessive social media interaction with others, hiding messages, or maintaining secretive contact with an ex, often stemming from a need for validation but eroding intimacy and causing insecurity.
Previous litera- ture has identified characteristics of the partner involved in infidelity; this study investigates the Big Five personal- ity traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism) of uninvolved partners.
The 7-7-7 rule is a structured method for couples to regularly reconnect, involving a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway every 7 weeks, and a kid-free vacation every 7 months.
The best stance for therapists to take is encouraging clients to explore all of their feelings about the affair and their marriage or partnership and to help them hold all of these intense emotions, though not necessarily at once.
It may also be a symptom associated with certain personality disorders, including narcissistic, histrionic, antisocial, and borderline personality disorders. Finally, people with substance use disorders may be more inclined to cheat when they're under the influence.
There isn't one single "best" predictor of cheating; rather, it's a combination of factors, with relationship dissatisfaction, low sexual satisfaction, mismatched sexual desire, and poor communication being the strongest predictors, often alongside individual traits like insecure attachment styles, impulsivity, and a history of infidelity. Ultimately, a lack of emotional connection and unresolved relationship issues significantly increase the risk, according to this Psychology Today article, this National Institutes of Health article, and this Medium article.
Someone who cheats once, feels immediate remorse, and seeks help may have a much higher chance of transforming, especially if they have the emotional maturity to face their attachment trauma issues. So, long story short: yes, cheaters can change, but they have to recognize what they've done and face why they did it.
Understand that discovering infidelity can be traumatic and can lead to symptoms of PTSD, such as intrusive thoughts, betrayal trauma, anxiety, emotional distress, and others outlined above.
Betrayal triggers our nervous system's threat response, flooding our body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This explains why betrayal can lead to physical symptoms, including difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, rapid heartbeat, digestive issues, and chronic tension.
Although not everyone experiences each stage and they can occur in any order, these stages are:
One thing that cheaters often do is say one thing and do another. For example, it is so easy for someone to tell you they love you, but when you never see them perform any actions that indicate that they love you like: doing something thoughtful like buying you flowers, well, then this could be a red flag.
The 80/20 rule in relationships explains cheating as the temptation to abandon a solid partner (80% good) for someone new who seems to offer the missing 20% of needs, a pursuit often leading to regret as the new person lacks the original 80%. Infidelity often arises from focusing on flaws (the 20%) rather than appreciating the substantial good (the 80%), making an affair partner seem appealing for fulfilling that small gap, but ultimately resulting in losing the valuable foundation of the primary relationship.
Type Six Overview. We have named personality type Six The Loyalist because, of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most other types.
Interestingly enough, some individuals who cheat also exhibit signs of dissatisfaction long before they actually stray. They may withdraw emotionally from their partners or display irritability over minor issues—a signal that something deeper is amiss within themselves rather than solely within the relationship.
The 7-7-7 rule for couples is a guideline for maintaining strong connection by scheduling dedicated time: a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway (or night away) every 7 weeks, and a longer, kid-free vacation every 7 months, all designed to fight drift and routine by ensuring consistent, intentional quality time, though flexibility is key.
No, cheating doesn't mean your love wasn't real.
Whether you believe that someone can love their partner in the moment of infidelity or not, it's difficult to argue that there was never any love in a relationship just because someone cheated. People fall in and out of love all the time.