An example of gaslighting is when someone denies something you know happened, saying, "That never happened," or "You're imagining things," making you doubt your own memory, such as a partner denying they agreed to an important plan, even when you both discussed it. Other examples include calling you "crazy" or "too sensitive" when you're upset, or twisting facts to blame you for their behavior, making you feel confused and insecure.
Signs of gaslighting include the manipulator denying events, twisting facts, making you doubt your memory and sanity, calling you "crazy" or "too sensitive," trivializing your feelings, isolating you from support systems, and making you constantly apologize. The victim often feels confused, anxious, guilty, and dependent on the abuser for validation, losing confidence in themselves.
In simple terms, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone manipulates you into doubting your own memory, perception, and sanity, making you feel confused, anxious, and dependent on them for the "real" version of reality, all to gain power and control. They do this by denying things they said, twisting facts, or telling you you're "too sensitive," eroding your self-trust until you question your own mind.
Here are five shifts to alter the dynamic between you and your gaslighter:
A gaslighting apology is manipulative and avoids real accountability, often starting with "I'm sorry you feel that way," adding "but," blaming the victim ("you're too sensitive"), or using conditional phrases like, "I'm sorry, if I offended you" to shift blame and make the other person question their own reality, instead of acknowledging the wrong done. A healthy apology takes ownership (e.g., "I'm sorry I did X and it made you feel Y"), validates the other's feelings, and outlines steps to change.
If someone uses any of these nine phrases, they may be gaslighting you:
The 7 key signs of emotional abuse often involve Isolation, Verbal Abuse (insults/yelling), Blame-Shifting/Guilt, Manipulation/Control, Gaslighting (making you doubt reality), Humiliation/Degradation, and Threats/Intimidation. These behaviors aim to control you, erode your self-worth, and make you dependent, creating a pattern of fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem, even without physical harm.
While a person may occasionally mislead or lie to others, a true gaslighter often lies or misleads. They almost always have a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (commonly known as a narcissist) or Anti-social Personality Disorder (commonly known as a psychopath or sociopath).
While gaslighting is a common term used to describe harmful manipulation, it shouldn't be confused with conflict. Although gaslighting is an insidious tactic and form of manipulation, too often, people consider aggressive behaviors, like addressing conflict directly, as gaslighting.
Things to say when you're being gaslighted:
“I hear that your intention was to make a joke, and the impact was hurtful” “My feelings are my feelings; this is how I feel” “This is my experience and these are my emotions” “It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too”
Gaslighters argue by denying reality, twisting facts, minimizing your feelings, and blaming you to make you doubt your sanity, memory, and perception, often using phrases like "You're crazy," "That never happened," or "You're overreacting" to shift blame and maintain control, creating a confusing cycle of self-doubt for the victim. They avoid accountability by projecting their flaws onto you or claiming they were "just joking".
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates you into doubting your reality. Signs of gaslighting include feeling confused, questioning your memory, and frequently apologizing.
“Narcissistic gaslighting occurs when a narcissistic individual manipulates someone into questioning their own reality, memory, or perception,” says Charlie Health Contemplative Practitioner Tairesha “Sunflower” Flemister, LMSW.
However, a person who is trying to gaslight you might: Dismiss and minimize your feelings and tell you that you're overreacting, too sensitive, or crazy. Retell events or situations in a way that makes you question your sanity. Insist that they are right and deny that something happened in the way that you remember it.
Narcissists are skilled at twisting the truth to serve their own purposes. They take bits of reality, shuffle them around, and emphasize certain parts to manipulate the situation. And by bending the truth just enough, they can even make you start doubting your own memories and feelings.
For example, they insist on hosting you at their apartment and places where they're familiar, as well as doing things they're familiar with to make sure they're always in control. They might also try to force you out of your comfort zone to make you feel vulnerable and reliant on them for guidance.
What causes a person to gaslight? People who gaslight others may have developed their abusive and controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, or another psychological condition.
The idea seems to be that validation is the opposite of gaslighting: Gaslighting makes you doubt what you think, while validation affirms what you think. But this approach assumes that what you think about yourself is correct.
The term “gaslighting” has become popular online and throughout pop culture, where it's often used (and overused) to describe bad behaviors, like lying, guilt-tripping or shaming.
The number one trait of a narcissist is often considered a grandiose sense of self-importance (grandiosity) combined with a profound lack of empathy, where they see others as tools for their own gain and have an inflated, often unrealistic, view of their own superiority, needing constant admiration without acknowledging others' feelings or needs, as highlighted by HelpGuide.org and The Hart Centre. This core creates other behaviors like entitlement, manipulation, and arrogance, making them believe they deserve special treatment.
'Highly narcissistic' people love to say these 7 phrases—here's how to respond: Harvard-trained psychologist
Four Ds of Narcissism: Deny, Dismiss, Devalue & Divorce. As we discussed in an earlier blog post, there's nothing easy about being married to a narcissist.
Signs of emotional and psychological abuse
Narcissistic abuse typically involves a pattern of showering you with excessive affection and then attempting to tear down your self-esteem. Constant criticism and belittling. To devalue you, the abuser might unfairly nitpick your every action, insult you, or minimize your accomplishments. Shifting blame.
What are the ten different types of abuse?