If the manipulator apologizes, they do it in a way that points the finger back at you. The underlying message is, “I'm sorry you think I did (or said) something wrong, but ultimately, that's on you. I'm innocent, you're overreacting, and I'm hurt that you would attack me this way.”
The apology is more about them
A manipulative apology will always be followed by a hundred reasons and justifications for their wrong-doing. An apology is supposed to empathise with the victim rather than a mere excuse for what the perpetrator had done.
What Is A Gaslight Apology? A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
No matter how close you are with someone or good you think that person is, an apology without change is manipulation. That doesn't have to mean that you should remove that person from your life, though, nor does it mean that your relationship is unsalvageable.
The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..."
“I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.” “I'm sorry, but you started it.” “I am sorry but I just couldn't help it.” “I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.”
Narcissists may use a blame-shifting apology, where they apologize but then shift the blame onto the other person. For example, they may say, “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry.” This type of apology does not take responsibility for their actions and places the blame on the other person.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
These are all great topics to discuss, but it can prove challenging to distill these larger ideas into practice. But, when we talk about apologizing, we wrap all of these complex concepts up into a single practice. It's a common trauma-state response to want to avoid conflict.
1. A declaration made out of selfishness. Synonym: I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I feel guilty because of what happened, and guilt isn't a good feeling. I'm saying that I'm sorry to make myself feel better, not you.
Summary. The ability to allow to influence feelings and emotions. Usually associated with mental manipulation, but can sometimes be carried out in other ways (e.g., direct biochemical effects). Controlling emotions can be divided into manipulating positive and negative emotions.
For example, instead of accepting responsibility and saying, “I'm sorry I offended you”, people blame-shift by saying something like: “I'm sorry it offended you.” (“My action offended you, not me.”) “I'm sorry you got offended.” (“You shouldn't have been offended.”)
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion. Last week we looked at the straight-up lie and reality manipulation. This week we are going to focus on scapegoating and coercion.
Remorse/Regret. Responsibility/Recognize. Restitution/Repair/Redress.
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology. It is common in politics and public relations.
: a disingenuous or insufficient apology : a statement that is offered as an apology but that fails to express true regret or to take responsibility for having done or said something wrong.
You always say sorry to avoid conflict.
Dishonest apologising in the name of avoiding conflict generally means you have unresolved childhood issues. Sometimes it's a case of growing up around violence, such as parents that were always fighting. or an alcoholic parent who flew into rages.
“In my clinical practice, I see excessive apologizing more often in trauma survivors whose abuse started young, was prolonged, and the perpetrator was in the family,” explains King. “As a survival mechanism, they learned to make themselves small and cause as few problems as possible.
Over-apologizing stems from a submissive state; when individuals use this tactic, they try to avoid confrontation or an escalating situation. This behavior may be especially prevalent in abuse victims who are no longer with their abuser but have not adequately healed from their past.
The defensive apology
This one takes a bit of finesse and sleight-of-hand to pull off and it may actually work in the moment; it usually includes more than a little blame-shifting too. Yes, the words “I'm sorry” are included in this one; it's the construction of the apology you have to pay attention to.