The term “people pleaser” refers to a person who has a strong urge to please others, even if at their own expense. They may feel that their own wants and needs do not matter, or alter their personality around others. “People pleaser” is not a medical diagnosis or a personality trait that psychologists measure.
The people pleaser personality type is desperate to feel important and needed. Their lack of self worth, confidence and self-belief, makes it almost impossible for them to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others.
The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
People Pleasers spend so much time and effort in taking care of others. Unfortunately, they often do not establish good social support for themselves. They also find it hard to give up control and let other people take care of them. While taking care of others in noble and rewarding, it can also be toxic and unhealthy.
A people pleaser is typically someone everyone considers helpful and kind. When you need help with a project or someone to help you study for an exam, they're more than willing to step up. If you recognize yourself in the above description, you may be a people pleaser.
Causes of people-pleasing
Low self-esteem: People who feel they are worth less than others may feel their needs are unimportant. They may advocate for themselves less or have less awareness of what they want. They may also feel that they have no purpose if they cannot help others.
Fawning or people-pleasing can often be traced back to an event or series of events that caused a person to experience PTSD, more specifically Complex PTSD, or C-PTSD.
A fourth, less discussed, response to trauma is called fawning, or people-pleasing. The fawn response is a coping mechanism in which individuals develop people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict, pacify their abusers, and create a sense of safety.
People-pleasing is not the same as genuine kindness; being kind is a form of self-expression. People-pleasing is a fundamentally dependent behavior and can backfire. However, helping others with the expectation of getting something back is a contract.
But according to Sasha Heinz, PhD, a developmental psychologist and life coach, there's another price to people-pleasing: It's a form of manipulation. This doesn't mean we shouldn't be nice and helpful and friendly.
Being a people-pleaser is an extremely stressful and frequently painful way to live. Because no matter how much they give to others they don't ever get what they are truly seeking. The real solution comes from within. As a result, people-pleasers frequently suffer from depression, stress and anxiety.
Children of narcissistic families end up as people-pleasers
In this book, Golomb notes that one of the effects of growing up in a narcissistic environment is reaching adulthood as a people-pleaser. Narcissistic parents always put their needs before their children's.
How People-Pleasing Feeds Anxiety. Though people-pleasing provides a way for you to hide your anxiety and feelings of inadequacy from others, it may also be contributing to the worry, fear and panic in your life. Even when it's an unconscious habit, constantly trying to please everyone is exhausting work.
While people pleasing or “being too nice” could be seen as a sign of someone who is a really good person and cares for others, their ability to bend backwards for other people, not say no and struggle to have boundaries with others can actually be a big red flag and cause issues in a relationship in the long term if ...
People-pleasing is really common for people who were abused and neglected in childhood. It's like a reflex to survive at any cost, but in the end it can cause us to feel unhappy and disconnected from ourselves and from any kind of meaningful relationship with other people.
People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others' needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise.
Studies show that people-pleasers engage in self-destructive behavior if they think it will help others feel more comfortable in social situations. For example, people-pleasers eat more when they think it will make other people happy.
Some of the most common reasons people gaslight are:
They want to keep a people pleaser partner trying to please. They use it to gain power and control. They have a personality disorder like narcissist, borderline or antisocial personality disorder. They want to keep the other person off balance.
People-pleasing usually comes from a place of insecurity and those who behave this way often feel that if they do, others will value them and accept them.
Being a People Pleaser is a Strength, not a Weakness.
Adults may display sleep problems, increased agitation, hypervigilance, isolation or withdrawal, and increased use of alcohol or drugs. Older adults may exhibit increased withdrawal and isolation, reluctance to leave home, worsening of chronic illnesses, confusion, depression, and fear (DeWolfe & Nordboe, 2000b).
You are genuinely compassionate
This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU.
Just start putting up boundaries that will allow you to first take care of your needs before turning focus to others. This isn't a selfish view point. Actually, being a people-pleaser is selfish because you're doing what's easiest and cheating people from receiving your valuable, true thoughts and reactions.
However, excessive people pleasing has the potential for numerous negative consequences. They may experience fear of rejection and disappointing others, have low self-esteem, difficulty making independent decisions, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.