If you tell a narcissist that they are a narcissist, all of their painful thoughts, feelings, and emotions will get triggered. To manage them, they would most likely go into a narcissistic rage and try to use abuse to project them onto others.
Just about any form of authenticity, such as confronting them with the truth, has the potential to trigger their negative emotions and compromise their emotional stability. When confronted with the truth, it is very common for narcissists to try to project their negative emotions onto you by accusing you of lying.
They may blame you for causing the relationship to fail, work hard to keep you to stay with them, make lofty promises to change their behavior, or badmouth you to everyone around them.
They protect against shame and narcissistic injury through use of their punishment tactics. If you call out the narcissist about anything they feel like could expose them, expect rage. This could be commenting on their behaviors or calling them out on a lie.
“You're so selfish,” is the first thing that you shouldn't say to a narcissist. Directly accusing the narcissist in your life of being selfish will most likely make them defensive and angry. This will only lead the interaction that you are having with them towards further conflict rather than resolution.
Although narcissists act superior to others and posture as beyond reproach, underneath their grandiose exteriors lurk their deepest fears: That they are flawed, illegitimate, and ordinary.
Don't accommodate them. If they need you to do something for them, even if it's small or no trouble at all — don't do it. Try to refuse them with the least amount of fuss possible. Know that the more you do for the narcissist, the worse it will get.
Put Your Needs First. Narcissists make others feel guilty about being happy because they expect everyone to put the narcissist's happiness first. If you're not constantly praising them or accepting their criticisms that make them feel superior, they won't be satisfied.
Narcissists don't know they're hurting you. It doesn't even enter their minds. And, if you try to tell them how you feel, they get defensive and make you feel you're wrong again. In fact, they'll even rather “innocently” tell you: “I'm only trying to help you.”
While people with narcissism aren't devoid of emotions, their motivations may be self-focused. They can know they're hurting your feelings, but as long as it elevates their status, they may not care. Someone living with narcissism does cry. They can feel regret, remorse, and sadness.
Older narcissists become increasingly closed-minded.
They have an inner urgency to blame somewhere for the loss of their personal power or their inability to get the attention they feel they deserve. Narcissists tend to dump all their animosity on scapegoats.
But here is the rub: Over time, the narcissist usually senses that you are pulling away, and it is then that your problems take on a different form. Narcissists hate feeling that they might be rejected or that you might conclude that they are defective. So, they go into compensation mode by turning the tables.
An inability to bear the truth
Attorney Rebecca Zung writes about what happens when you catch a narcissist in a lie. They will either deny, deflect, devalue, and/or dismiss you.
Narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism or any perceived threat to their self-image, and they will go to great lengths to protect it. If you criticize them or challenge their dominance, you will trigger a defensive response.
Empathize with Their Feelings
It is extremely soothing to Narcissists when you demonstrate that you understand and empathize with how they feel.
Dull as a gray rock
So if they come to you with news or talk, try to remain as uninterested as possible. For example, giving one-worded answers such as ”maybe” or ”I don't know” and keeping the conversation as brief as possible will eventually bore the narcissist who needs this attention to survive.
They so strongly believe in their own uniqueness that they dismiss any presumption that they might be defective or incomplete. Then taking it further, they become susceptible to predictable, disruptive behaviors. For instance: They feel no need to consult you regarding group decisions.
Narcissists want to be in control of everything, and that includes the plans you make with them. If you want to drive a narcissist crazy, be late to time-sensitive plans to throw off their day. Be unreliable so they never know what to expect from you next.
Most narcissists enjoy an irrational and brief burst of relief after having suffered emotionally ("narcissistic injury") or after having sustained a loss. It is a sense of freedom, which comes with being unshackled.
Tease, ridicule, and shame them mercilessly for not trying to figure out right from wrong, instead, pretending to have it all figured out. Stay calm, even friendly, to the person cowering inside their absolute narcissistic fake infallibility cloak. Stay light, even humorous.
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.