Escalated behavior Ideally, your lack of engagement will make them lose interest and move on. Unfortunately, grey rocking can sometimes backfire. Instead of losing interest, your lack of engagement can frustrate them. As a result, they may escalate their negative behaviors in order to get a response out of you.
Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.
You don't feed their needs for drama or attention. You don't show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod.
The theory is that when a toxic person sees you as a boring, uninteresting, grey rock, they may eventually lose interest. Over time, they might learn that they can't get emotional reactions or engagement from you.
Grey Rocking vs.
On the other hand, stonewalling is an emotional reaction, where you shut down emotionally and give someone the “silent treatment.” Stonewalling is usually considered a kind of emotional manipulation, whereas the grey rock method is a method used to deal with someone who employs emotional manipulation.
The yellow rock method is a spin on the gray rock method. It involves adding some niceties to gray rock communication. Its name comes from the idea that a yellow rock appears friendlier, warmer and more inviting than a gray rock.
Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate with someone. This means that your spouse refuses to listen to you and your concerns. Stonewalling is one of the most prevalent narcissistic abuse techniques.
Grey rocking often involves behaviors like:
Shrugging and nodding. Using noncommittal phrases and responses like “eh,” “mhm,” or “uh-huh” Avoiding eye contact. Responding briefly, and without elaboration, to direct questions.
The narcissist maintains control over the victim not through the idealization alone, but rather the hot-and-cold and withholding behavior which accompanies it. This causes the victim of a narcissist to try to regain the abuser's approval – to “reset” the relationship back to its sweet beginnings.
According to research, people with narcissistic personality disorder have reduced gray matter volume in areas of the brain related to empathy and increased activity on baseline images in brain regions associated with self-directed and self-absorbed thinking.
According to Julie L. Hall, author of “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free,” narcissists become more extreme versions of their worst selves as they age, which includes becoming more desperate, deluded, paranoid, angry, abusive, and isolated.
The grey rock method is where you deliberately act unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you. Abusive people thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and don't show your emotions, they may lose interest and stop bothering you. This is known as “grey rocking.”
Narcissist flying monkeys are individuals recruited by narcissists to actively participate in narcissistic manipulation and abuse. The term “flying monkeys” was inspired by the enchanted flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, who was sent to do the dirty work for the Wicked Witch of the West.
A tactic that narcissists will often use once they realize that they've lost control over you is self-victimization. When a narcissist victimizes themselves it means that they label themselves as victims and blame their problems on external factors.
Rage: Narcissists are insecure and when there is a narcissistic injury to their sense of self, they will rage. This is often done with yelling and insults hurled at the victim. During these rages, the narcissist can be the most damaging in their words.
When deprived of Narcissistic Supply - both primary AND secondary - the narcissist feels annulled, hollowed out, or mentally disembowelled. This is an overpowering sense of evaporation, disintegration into molecules of terrified anguish, helplessly and inexorably.
In the instance that the grey rock method is not working, you may have to take a different course of action. Of course, that action will depend on the level of negativity you're dealing with. "You need to reach out and get support, and let someone else know what's happening.
Understanding the condition better can help you manage your expectations and give yourself permission to prioritize your needs. While most people with NPD are not aware that they are narcissists, it's important to remember that no abuse is acceptable or excusable.
Grooming a person, manipulating her into doubting her feelings, generating shame regarding her best qualities, and manipulatively creating dependency are four ways a narcissist destroys a person from the inside out.
Essentially, the point of the silent treatment is to make the victim feel confused, stressed, guilty, ashamed, not good enough, or unstable enough so that they would do what the manipulator wants.
At the end of a relationship, a narcissist will often spiral down a long-winded gauntlet of manipulation tactics. They may blame you for causing the relationship to fail, work hard to keep you to stay with them, make lofty promises to change their behavior, or badmouth you to everyone around them.