The Emotional Aftermath of Cutting Ties With a Toxic Family Member. You may experience grief, guilt, relief, or a combination of the three. Exercising boundaries with toxic family members is no easy feat.
It could be time to cut the person off if you or your child start to dread visiting that family member, especially if they only interact in negative ways with those around them. "Recognize that spending time apart from them is important to one's own mental health," adds Dr. Halpern.
There is no right way to deal with a toxic family member. Only you can decide how much contact is right for you. And you will know if and when you need to walk away in order to save yourself. Just know that its okay to end a toxic relationship even with a family member.
Acknowledge that it's abusive. You need to stop minimizing and denying the harm that your family member has caused. Give up the fantasy that they will change. Grieve the loss of having the kind of relationship you wanted with this person.
Abuse, including emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in childhood. Ongoing toxic behaviors, including anger, cruelty, disrespect, and hurtfulness. Feeling unaccepted/unsupported, including about their life choices, relationships, disability status, and other things important in their life.
Parental estrangement is quite common. In a recent national study, 6 percent of adults reported estrangement from their mothers and 26 percent reported estrangement from their fathers. Despite how common it is, people who are estranged from their parents often feel a sense of shame, guilt, and grief.
Karl Pillemer, author of Fractured Families and How To Mend Them, researched about 1300 people and found on average, family estrangement can last 54 months or 4.5 years. Of those interviewed, 85% were estranged for a year or more. Half of the respondents had no contact for four or more years.
When the relationship creates so much stress that it affects the important areas of your life at work, home or both. When your emotions are totally caught up in defending yourself and wanting to explain yourself and the chaos of your relationships with these people is all you talk about, it is time to let go.
Yes, it is OK to walk away from family, especially if they are causing you mental instability. The majority of toxic families have an undiagnosed mental health condition, and they do not want to admit they need help. Instead, they blame everyone else for their issues and often think that the world is against them.
Feelings of extreme anxiety, low self-esteem, worthlessness, difficulty trusting others, maintaining close relationships, or feeling worn out after a visit with your family are all signs you grew up in a toxic family.
Familiarity. It is quite common for those of us who have been raised in families with intense dynamics, absent (physically or emotionally) or overly critical and toxic parent(s), that we find it difficult to leave such a relationship because we simply find the environment familiar. Not nice, not pleasant, just familiar ...
Some signs of a toxic family include manipulation, criticism, controlling behavior, dismissive behavior, a sense of competition, unreasonable punishment, and unpredictability.
In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to other members. These emotionally violent behaviors can cause depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness for the victims and even the whole family system.
The mental health effects of sibling estrangement
Research has found that if you experienced estrangement within your family, you are more likely to struggle with mental health issues related to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, low self-esteem, substance abuse, sleep disorders and suicidal ideation.
Estrangement is one of the most painful and complex challenges that a family can face. When one family member says, “I'm done,” to another, they might feel distraught, relieved, or a combination of the two. And for the person who is cut off, the relationship can feel all but hopeless.
Long-Term Psychological Effects of Estrangement
The dissolving of a family can cause chronic stress, feelings of rejection, and ambiguous loss. The uncertainty of what will happen in the future complicates the condition. If unresolved grief lingers and is left untreated, forward movement is stalled.
Toxic parenting, abuse, and betrayal are the three most common reasons adult children estrange. Parents are responsible in cases where the adult child suffered physical or emotional abuse perpetrated by the parent.
Author Agllias reports that estrangement-related trust issues can wreak such psychological havoc as emotional withdrawal, defensive posturing, people-pleasing behaviors, and overeager development of close but unsustainable relationships, possibly even leading to abuse.
Be direct, calm and assertive.
Remember: manipulative people are not known for their empathy. They will try to confuse you, go on the offensive, or assume the role of a victim — a familiar disguise that's like second skin to them. Stay calm, stay polite, but assertive. Don't let them bully you into submission.