Disinterest in spending time together Spending quality time together is essential to building intimacy and maintaining a healthy relationship. If one partner constantly declines invitations to spend time together or seems disinterested in planning activities, it can indicate a lack of effort in a relationship.
by Laken Howard
If you're not putting enough effort into your relationship, it will eventually show: you could feel your connection to your partner starting to fade, or notice that you're fighting more than usual.
The simplest definition would be paying attention to the needs of your partner. You could spend time with your partner and not be sensitive to their needs. Just being there physically is not enough effort. You need to be doing the best you can to keep them happy and fulfilled.
The most destructive relationship behaviours are those the Gottmann Institute has deemed the 'Four Horsemen' – criticism, defensiveness, contempt (eye-rolling, disgust, dismissal or ridiculing), stonewalling, and the silent treatment. Of these, contempt has been shown to be the greatest predictor of divorce.
A no-effort relationship is not a great relationship; it's a doomed relationship. It takes effort to communicate and understand each other. Love takes work…. even if it's meant to be.
By and large, long-term relationships are successful when both partners put in an equal amount of effort, though this can take different forms. Whether it's the little things or being there for each other during major life events, there are many ways to put effort into your relationships.
Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag in relationships. People that try to control your movements, decisions, or beliefs are more concerned about what they want than what is best for you. If a guy or girl tries to control what you wear or where you go, this could be a red flag.
If you are unsure of your boyfriend's stance in the relationship, it's best to give him space. Don't bombard him with calls or text messages. When a man's mind is off, there is little you can do to draw him back. This step is crucial if you have tried everything on how to get him to put in more effort.
Conflicts that drag on for months, arguments that go around in circles, fights that don't lead to more empathy, intimacy or better solutions — these are all signs that something is fundamentally dysfunctional in the relationship.
If you're not being satisfied emotionally, sexually or intellectually, it's probably time to move on. Ending a relationship is hard, but it's sometimes the only correct thing to do. If you and your partner aren't connecting on the most fundamental levels, it will be best for both of you to move on.
He is manipulative.
Manipulative behavior is a major red flag in men because it implies that they are trying to control you. Manipulation typically involves someone exploiting someone else's feelings or insecurities to get what they want. They might do this by making someone feel guilty or ashamed.
One of the biggest red flags in a relationship you must watch out for is persistent or constant criticism. In a healthy relationship, two people want the best for each other. They are honest about their strengths and flaws and help each other out to be the best version of themselves.
You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes. You always have to defend yourself to this person. You never feel fully comfortable around them. You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence.
The thing about an unproductive relationship is that it lacks significant results. There may be good inputs i.e. great conversations and 'warm feelings,' but there's a shortage in quality outputs.
When dating someone emotionally unstable, you may feel as though you're walking on eggshells with them. The most classic symptom of emotional instability is mood swings. Emotionally unstable people are often volatile.
The bottom line? Coan advises every couple to adhere to the 70/30 rule: For the happiest, most harmonious relationship, the pro suggests spending 70% of time together, and 30% apart. That gives each of you enough freedom to explore your own interests while still being rooted and invested in your relationship.
The 80/20 relationship theory states that you can only get about 80% of your wants and needs from a healthy relationship, while the remaining 20% you need to provide for yourself. Sounds like the perfect excuse to treat yourself to a spa day. This idea of an 80/20 time split is nothing new.