“Many of us walk around with unmet needs that we unconsciously place on others. This lack of awareness of our own needs is what creates toxic behavior.” This may also be the reason why painful interactions with family members hurt so much.
Toxic family dynamics refer to unhealthy family relationships characterized by harmful behaviors, poor interactions, and ineffective conflict management. Unhealthy family dynamics include signs such as: Lack of boundaries and empathy. Lack of personal space and privacy.
Chapman adds that typically, a toxic person is the product of a toxic environment themselves—so they often aren't even aware of their own harmful patterns. “I always joke that if you have one toxic person in your family, you probably have ten,” she says.
Psychological trauma is not always a result of growing up in a toxic family environment, although it can be a contributing factor.
These emotionally violent behaviors can cause depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness for the victims and even the whole family system. While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, post-traumatic stress, and mental injury.
Here are some common signs of toxic behavior from a family member: Their perception of you doesn't jibe with the way you see yourself. They accuse you of things that you feel aren't true. They make you feel like you're never enough or bad about yourself, or otherwise emotionally destabilized.
The Physical Effects of Sibling Abuse
Some of the effects that survivors report later in life are physical in nature — GI issues, headaches, or chronic pain. In addition to physical effects, many people who experience abuse will report feeling unlovable, invisible, too much, and also not enough.
Examples of toxic stress can include abuse (physical, sexual, emotional), neglect (physical, emotional) and household dysfunction (parental mental illness, domestic violence, parental incarceration).
Toxic parents can be abusive, unsupportive, controlling, and harsh. Growing up with toxic parents can affect your physical and mental health, putting you at risk for substance use, low self-esteem, and relationship difficulties.
"If a family member is not capable of curtailing their negative interactions with you or your children after you have asked them to do so, and it is clear your children are not benefiting in some way from that relationship, then there is no point to continue to maintain a hurtful relationship," says Dr. Halpern.
There is no right way to deal with a toxic family member. Only you can decide how much contact is right for you. And you will know if and when you need to walk away in order to save yourself. Just know that its okay to end a toxic relationship even with a family member.
It is time to terminate a relationship when the only contact you have with them is negative. The contact you have with them serves to bring you down, put you down and/or make you feel you are not good enough, or you haven't done enough for them.
Toxic people thrive in dramatic situations. They inflame emotions and create conflict. They love stirring the pot to see what happens. People are often toxic because they're not interested in being stable and healthy in relationships.
Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.
Toxic stress response can occur when a child experiences strong, frequent, and/or prolonged adversity—such as physical or emotional abuse, chronic neglect, caregiver substance abuse or mental illness, exposure to violence, and/or the accumulated burdens of family economic hardship—without adequate adult support.
To know whether a child is experiencing toxic stress, parents and caregivers can keep an eye on behavior – is your child acting or feeling differently than normal? Other signs may include prolonged anxiety or sadness, difficulties concentrating at home or school, and being overly threat-sensitive, risky or reclusive.
Some siblings consistently behave in toxic ways and refuse to stop the cycle of sibling abuse—they refuse to respect your boundaries and continue to push. For example, they always ask for your help for more than you can give, and when you refuse, they emotionally blackmail or guilt-trip you.
Grieving a relationship with a family member
“There can be a real grieving process when cutting off a toxic family member,” says MacMillan. “Grief that the relationship is not working, especially if it once did.
Toxic people, in general, do not own up to their actions and the influence they have on others. “Criticism, looking down on you, bullying, invalidating or gaslighting, and physical intimidation or abuse – all of it happens in toxic sibling relationships.”
SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP
Try going to family or individual counseling. A professional therapist can help you identify dysfunctional family patterns you might not yet see and help you to create tools to set boundaries and lift yourself out of the situation at hand.
“Sometimes families that don't function well can have a lasting psychological impact. People who have been in such family environments are so used to it that they get used to unhealthy relationships as well and feel that this situation seems more familiar and so find it difficult to move away,” says Dr Anand.