As noted before, people often develop a plethora of defensive strategies and behaviours that stem from toxic shame. Perfectionism, people pleasing, self-deprecation, self-distrust, and anxiety are often in close pursuit. There is often a hyper-vigilance around how to behave, what to say, and how to think.
Compliments or kind words might make you feel uncomfortable or even suspicious, as though you don't deserve them. On a deeper level, toxic shame can manifest as physical symptoms, like persistent tension, stomach issues, or fatigue, driven by the emotional burden of carrying such a heavy inner critic.
Shame is a powerful emotion that can dictate how we interact with the world and prevent us from asking for help when we need it most. It fosters isolation, stunts emotional growth, and perpetuates feelings of inadequacy.
Shame, particularly toxic shame, is believed to be stored in various parts of the body, manifesting as physical sensations, tension, and discomfort. Common areas where individuals may experience these bodily manifestations include the chest, stomach, and throat.
Physical Sensations
Tingling or Warmth: You may feel tingling sensations or warmth in certain areas of your body as trauma is processed and released. Muscle Tension and Relaxation: Muscles that have been chronically tense due to trauma may suddenly relax, leading to a sensation of relief or heaviness.
Initial reactions to trauma can include exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, confusion, physical arousal, and blunted affect.
Shame is a complex social emotion that arises when individuals perceive a failure to meet societal expectations or personal standards. Unlike guilt, which is tied to specific actions and often relates to feelings of wrongdoing, shame encompasses a broader sense of inadequacy and unworthiness.
Where is Shame Held in the Body? While many people have a physical response to shame, different people hold shame in different parts of their body. Clients commonly report feeling a pit in their stomach, tension in their shoulders, or discomfort on their skin.
Rebuilding the Self. Therapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be highly effective in addressing the cognitive and emotional patterns associated with shame.
When childhood trauma includes sexual abuse, when abuse happens at earlier ages or when a survivor believes that they were at fault for the abuse or even enjoyed aspects of the abuse, shame can be far worse and very painful.
The Four Faces of Shame: Withdrawal, Attack Self, Avoidance, Attack Other – healing attachment wounds.
If you feel yourself entering a shame spiral, here are five steps you can take.
Toxic shame has its roots in the formative years of childhood, typically during a childhood marked by neglect or abuse. When a child learns that they cannot rely on their caregivers for safety, comfort, and care, they internalize this reality in one of two ways.
Provide yourself with forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness is different from letting yourself off the hook or making excuses for negative behavior. The more shame you heal, the more clearly you'll be able to see yourself. Instead of hardening your heart and pushing people away, you'll become more receptive to others.
Alternatively, shame tells you, “I am bad,” and it motivates you to freeze in place, often leading to inaction. Shame, then, occurs when your mind has decided that you are globally a bad person because of something you have done, which is a much more paralyzing experience.
Shame is the feeling that there's something wrong with you. It's not about having done something wrong (that's guilt), no, shame arises from the core belief that you are simply not good enough. Sadly, it's a core belief that is common among those who struggle with mental health and addiction issues.
Oxytocin has been suggested to play an important role in socially and morally associated emotions such as shame and guilt.
Nathanson observed that when the shame response is trig- gered, humans respond with “attack other,” “attack self,” “avoid- ance” or “withdrawal.”
Shame is among the most challenging emotions to face, impacting people's self-perception and their ability to connect with others. Shame quietly erodes self-worth, whispering doubts about personal value and pushing people into isolation.
In fact, even the highest contributors tended to feel shame when excluded. These findings strongly suggest that the true trigger of shame is the prospect or actuality of being devalued by others.
Shame causes victims to stay in an abusive relationship because it makes them feel so bad about themselves that they come to believe that no one else would ever want them. When you are consistently shamed you come to feel you are worthless and unlovable, that you are damaged beyond repair.
Symptoms of Unhealed Trauma
Know the 5 signs of Emotional Suffering
Individuals who have experienced trauma may exhibit heightened startle responses and hyper-vigilance, often scanning their surroundings for potential threats. Closed-off postures, such as crossed arms or turning away, can indicate a desire to protect oneself.