They might just need someone to listen to them, hold their hand, and be their shoulder to cry on. After all, what they are going through is scary and overwhelming. Just being there to sit with them and let them express how they are feeling can be more than enough comfort.
Even a shorter visit to chat, join them for lunch, or drop off flowers will be recognized. It may not always be clear how to act and what to say or do, but even a brief visit is appreciated.
There really are no “wrong words” to say but do avoid using clichés that sound trite or impersonal, such as “we all have to die someday”. Use your own thoughts and feelings if you are close to this person. Let them know how much you think about them and how much you have benefitted from knowing them.
Go Ahead and Cry
It opens a pathway to a conversation that could be once in a lifetime. Additionally, the loved one who's dying knows others are sad. It could be worse for him or her to not see the family cry; tears are a sign of love and understanding of what's happening.
Use gentle touch
Whenever you need to move or turn your loved one speak softly to her first to tell her what is going to happen, then touch her arm or hand gently to prepare her for the motion. You can hold your loved one's hand or offer very gentle massage as long as that seems to be soothing to her.
This stage is also one of reflection. The dying person often thinks back over their life and revisits old memories.4 They might also be going over the things they regret.
Be prepared to listen and recognise their feelings. This gives them dignity – they will feel that you accept them as they are. It is sad to see changes in someone you know well. Value your relationship and treat the person who is ill as you always have, with warmth and concern.
People who are dying say that they would rather see people before their last days, than only have people come when they are suffering or cannot respond. Visit as often as possible for you before your loved one is in their last days.
Some people prefer to be alone
My own research found that while hospice-at-home nurses believe that no one should die alone, they had seen cases where a person died after their family members had left the bedside. The nurses believed that some people just want to be on their own when they are dying.
Listen to what the person who is dying tells you. Try not to prompt an answer that confirms what you think or your hope that things could be better. Try to treat someone who is dying as normally as possible and chat about what's happening in your life. This makes it clear that they're still a part of your life.
Create memories and stories
If your mum or dad feels up to it, you could sit down and talk about their favourite memories and look back over their life. You could also ask them to tell you about their thoughts and dreams for you and your future.
Not visiting a terminally ill loved one when you had the chance can lead to lingering guilt. Keep in mind that this is also tremendously hard for the person whose life is nearing its end. Consider what they may need. Dying can be a very lonely experience.
HOLD THEIR HAND
Being close to them, holding their hand, and giving them plenty of hugs are nonverbal ways to show you care for them. Every human being likes to be touched, especially from someone that cares for them. If they cannot talk to you or hear you, they will still be able to feel your touch.
Avoid talking in an overly optimistic way, for example, “You'll be up in no time”. Such comments block the possibility of discussing how they're really feeling – their anger, fears, faith and so on. Apologise if you think you've said the wrong thing. Let them know if you feel uncomfortable.
You could ask questions about what they are experiencing. Or gently assure them, in touch and tone, that they are safe and you are right here. Don't promise to come back unless you will. Say what's true: that you love them, or are praying for them, or are thinking of them, and that you are glad you visited.
“I love you.” These three words are one of the greatest phrases to use in goodbyes. Practice saying them. “I forgive you.” or “I'm sorry.” These are powerful goodbye words and can transform you and the person who receives them for a lifetime. “Thank you” is another comforting goodbye phrase.
One way to do this is to simply express your condolences and tell them that you are sorry for their loss. You can also offer to help with anything they may need, whether it is running errands or just being there to listen. It is also important to give the person time to grieve in their own way and at their own pace.
Speak to the family as often as possible. Take time even during resuscitation to sit down and talk to the family. The truth must be said, but it should be introduced gradually. Offer administrative help to the family and do not leave a single family member alone.
The first organ system to “close down” is the digestive system. Digestion is a lot of work! In the last few weeks, there is really no need to process food to build new cells. That energy needs to go elsewhere.
But there is no certainty as to when or how it will happen. A conscious dying person can know if they are on the verge of dying. Some feel immense pain for hours before dying, while others die in seconds. This awareness of approaching death is most pronounced in people with terminal conditions such as cancer.
The active stage of dying generally only lasts for about 3 days. The active stage is preceded by an approximately 3-week period of the pre-active dying stage. Though the active stage can be different for everyone, common symptoms include unresponsiveness and a significant drop in blood pressure.
Another common end-of-life change is that people may not respond to questions and may also show little interest in their surroundings. Let your loved one sleep and remain peaceful. Offer reassuring words and touches, but don't pressure the person to interact.