Yes, telling someone they're "overthinking" can be a form of gaslighting, especially when used repeatedly to dismiss their valid feelings, make them doubt their reality, and avoid accountability for their own actions, thereby gaining power and control. It minimizes their experience by reframing it as irrational or excessive, making them feel "too much," which is a key tactic of emotional manipulation, though not every instance is malicious.
How do I tell someone they are overthinking without gaslighting them? Telling someone they're wrong about something or that your perception is different from theirs is not gaslighting. Validate her feelings by saying ``Your feelings are valid'' but then explain YOUR feelings which are equally valid.
Trying to soothe someone's anxiety by telling them their thoughts aren't productive, worthwhile, or that they're a waste of time also invalidates their feelings and may even leave them feeling more distressed than before, Egger explains.
If someone uses any of these nine phrases, they may be gaslighting you:
Overthinking, sometimes called rumination, is the process of repetitive negative thinking. While repeated and even prolonged thoughts about yourself and the circumstances of life are common, overthinking is different. You might find yourself unable to stop replaying upsetting thoughts about your past or future.
An overthinking personality is characterized by several key traits. Individuals with this personality often have high levels of anxiety and perfectionism. They are typically detail-oriented and highly conscientious, which can be advantageous in certain contexts but detrimental when it leads to constant second-guessing.
Experts categorize gaslighting into five types: outright lying, coercion, scapegoating, reality questioning, and trivializing. Each type serves to manipulate the victim's perception and undermine their confidence, making it vital for individuals to recognize these patterns in their relationships.
The abuser discreetly victimises someone in a disguised or passive manner, chipping away at one's confidence, self-esteem and sense of self. Simply put, gaslighting is when the perpetrator constantly and dishonestly disputes someone's recall of their experiences.
To shut down gaslighting, focus on validating your own reality, setting firm boundaries, trusting your feelings, and documenting incidents; you can stop the manipulation by disengaging from "right/wrong" debates, shifting focus to your feelings, and recognizing it's about their control, not your truth, while seeking support to regain your sense of self.
Here's what not to say to someone sharing their anxiety with you, why it's unhelpful, and what to do instead, according to therapists.
A little reflection can be healthy, but constant overthinking leads to anxiety, self-doubt, self-sabotage, distance in your connection, and unnecessary conflict.
It's a form of emotional manipulation designed to make you question your own perception, rather than their behaviour. The truth is, when someone consistently accuses you of overreacting, being paranoid, or imagining things, it's often because they want to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Thinking too much about something can happen, but it's the manner in which one unhealthily focuses their thought that's the problem. So instead of just telling someone to "stop overthinking it", it's more helpful to expand on the advice. Mixed in with some empathy and support, of course.
The "3 E's of Narcissism" refer to three core traits often seen in individuals with narcissistic tendencies: Empathy impairment, a profound lack of understanding or sharing of others' feelings; Entitlement, a belief they deserve special treatment and admiration; and Exploitation, using others for personal gain without guilt. These characteristics highlight how narcissists often struggle to connect emotionally, feel superior, and manipulate people to meet their own needs.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I've found that there are seven phrases you'll hear from highly narcissistic people:
The 7 key signs of emotional abuse often involve Isolation, Verbal Abuse (insults/yelling), Blame-Shifting/Guilt, Manipulation/Control, Gaslighting (making you doubt reality), Humiliation/Degradation, and Threats/Intimidation. These behaviors aim to control you, erode your self-worth, and make you dependent, creating a pattern of fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem, even without physical harm.
While a person may occasionally mislead or lie to others, a true gaslighter often lies or misleads. They almost always have a personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (commonly known as a narcissist) or Anti-social Personality Disorder (commonly known as a psychopath or sociopath).
If you use any of these 7 phrases, you sound passive aggressive to other people: Public speaking expert
While gaslighting is a common term used to describe harmful manipulation, it shouldn't be confused with conflict. Although gaslighting is an insidious tactic and form of manipulation, too often, people consider aggressive behaviors, like addressing conflict directly, as gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that causes the victim to question their feelings, thoughts, and reality. Signs of gaslighting include doubting your own feelings, questioning your judgment, and feeling nervous around the person gaslighting you.
Gaslighters argue by denying reality, twisting facts, minimizing your feelings, and blaming you to make you doubt your sanity, memory, and perception, often using phrases like "You're crazy," "That never happened," or "You're overreacting" to shift blame and maintain control, creating a confusing cycle of self-doubt for the victim. They avoid accountability by projecting their flaws onto you or claiming they were "just joking".
Overthinking isn't a recognized mental disorder by itself. But research has found that it's often a symptom of other mental health conditions. For example, anxiety and depression can contribute to overthinking. And people who've experienced a trauma may be hypervigilant, or on high alert for danger at all times.
What to avoid saying to someone with anxiety?
The Four-Word Sleep Phrase: “This Thought Can Wait”
This simple sentence packs a surprisingly powerful punch. When you say it to yourself—gently but firmly—it creates a boundary between you and your runaway thoughts. It doesn't require solving, denying, or arguing with your brain.