People-pleasing is sometimes referred to as the “fawning” trauma response because it's so closely associated with overly-appeasing behaviors and cycles of codependency.
In most cases, people-pleasing behavior is motivated by insecurity and low self-esteem caused by trauma bonds in childhood. People who were neglected, mistreated, or abused by their caregivers tried to please them in the hope of receiving attention and better treatment.
The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
Anxiety: Some people may attempt to please others because they feel anxious about fitting in, rejection, or causing offense. For example, a person with social anxiety may feel they must do whatever their friends want in order for people to like them. It can be a subtle attempt to control others' perceptions.
Poor self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don't value their own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.
People pleasing might seem harmless, but it can lead to serious health risks — both mental and physical — especially when taken to the extremes. First, people-pleasers rarely prioritize their own self-care.
Here are some common reactions to trauma: Losing hope for the future. Feeling distant (detached) or losing a sense of concern about others. Being unable to concentrate or make decisions.
There are actually 5 of these common responses, including 'freeze', 'flop' and 'friend', as well as 'fight' or 'flight'. The freeze, flop, friend, fight or flight reactions are immediate, automatic and instinctive responses to fear. Understanding them a little might help you make sense of your experiences and feelings.
Intrusive memories
Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event. Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event. Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event.
People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others' needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise.
ADHD and Emotions
They can hyper-focus on strong feelings. However, when you combine strong emotions with feelings of being disempowered throughout life, the mind can hyperfocus on the fears of letting others down (enter people pleasing).
People Pleasing as a Form of Control
People pleasing is tricky because you think you're being a giver, but really it's a form of manipulation. Yep, manipulation because you're trying to get something in return. You're attached to (and trying to control) the outcome.
You are genuinely compassionate
This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU.
A people pleaser is typically someone everyone considers helpful and kind. When you need help with a project or someone to help you study for an exam, they're more than willing to step up. If you recognize yourself in the above description, you may be a people pleaser.
Nicole LePera, a psychologist and a social media influencer, people-pleasing is a result of childhood emotional neglect. Taking to Instagram, she explains, "When children are emotionally neglected, they unconsciously abandon their sense of self in order to maintain their relationship with the parent figure."
The fawn response is when an individual tries to avoid or minimize distress or danger by pleasing and appeasing the threat. Someone responding in this way would do whatever they can to keep the threat, or abuser, happy despite their own needs and wants.
The keywords in SAMHSA's concept are The Three E's of Trauma: Event(s), Experience, and Effect. When a person is exposed to a traumatic or stressful event, how they experience it greatly influences the long-lasting adverse effects of carrying the weight of trauma.
In the most extreme situations, you might have lapses of memory or “lost time.” Schauer & Elbert (2010) refer to the stages of trauma responses as the 6 “F”s: Freeze, Flight, Fight, Fright, Flag, and Faint.
Smiling when discussing trauma is a way to minimize the traumatic experience. It communicates the notion that what happened “wasn't so bad.” This is a common strategy that trauma survivors use in an attempt to maintain a connection to caretakers who were their perpetrators.
Emotional overreactions are a common symptom of trauma. A victim of trauma might redirect their overwhelming emotions towards others, such as family and friends. Because these unresolved emotions are always bubbling beneath the surface, any incident that brings feelings forward can unleash these pent-up emotions.
What does childhood trauma in adults look like? Childhood trauma in adults can impact experiences and relationships with others due to experienced feelings of shame and guilt. Childhood trauma in adults also results in feeling disconnected, and being unable to relate to others.
INFP: People-pleasing
The biggest turn-off for INFPs is people-pleasing. INFPs are independent and individualistic in their beliefs and values. They want people to be authentic and true to themselves, even if they risk offending others.
People who like to please are frequently drawn to people who like to control others. Pleasers have certain personality characteristics that are developed in childhood. They are often perfectionists who were influenced by very demanding parental expectations and/or criticism.
People pleasing isn't a mental illness, but it can be an issue that adversely affects how many people, with or without mental illness, relate to others. Most of all, people pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves.