Have you processed your grief enough to be able to enjoy another's company that could turn into romance? There is no "right or wrong" about when you'll be ready. Many people are ready months after the death of their partner, and for others, it takes years.
It is obvious through their actions or words, that a widow(er) is ready for dating again. If they plan a date at least twice a month, call you often, and text in between, it only means they are exerting an effort to make the present relationship work. Consistency builds a relationship.
There is often shock that you can have deep feelings for someone else when grieving for the loss of a loved one. You never forget the relationship you had, but your life goes on and somehow you must cope.
(Side note: It is discussed in my upcoming Dating a Widower book.) So here's my take on why widower start dating soon after their wife dies. Most men, especially men who have spent a long time married to someone they love, find that their lives lose a lot of the richness and purpose it held once their wife passes on.
Safeguarding your partner's feelings and shouldering their burden of grief isn't your responsibility. Break up with them if you want to and are ready to leave them. You don't need any reason to leave someone if that's what you want to do. You don't owe anyone a reason for leaving.
There is always that dilemma of how soon is it to start dating again after being widowed. Like we said before, there is no fixed time for this. Some people might take months or even years to get over their trauma, others might use a relationship as a crutch to get over their grief.
One way for widows to cope with loneliness is to join a class or club. This can be a great opportunity to meet new people and engage in activities that they enjoy. Joining a class or club can also provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment, which can be very important during the grieving process.
Author: Carla Stumpf Patton. Love and intimacy are sensitive and very personal topics. Finding love again after the death of an intimate partner can be a joyous experience for those who are ready. However, this type of life transition can raise issues around trust, intimacy, and communication.
One major warning sign is if the widower is still grieving intensely or not ready to move on from their previous relationship. Another red flag is if they constantly compare you to their late spouse or refuse to let go of their belongings.
Studies show that it takes an average of 25 months for a widow or widower to consider remarriage, but this timeline can vary greatly depending on the individual.
Guilt about dating as a widow
One of the biggest uncertainties around “readiness” is guilt. It may be guilt around the feeling of betraying a partner who died, guilt that it means they are 'moving on' or forgetting, or guilt that it will upset their children or other family.
It's common for the grief process to take a year or longer. A grieving person must resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it's normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years.
The feel of Loneliness
Losing someone creates a gap of them in our lives. Similarly losing her spouse puts the widow into a position of loneliness. Even if the widow is always surrounded by the most loving and supportive people (friends & family) there'd still be times when she'd go through a mental state of isolation.
” 'Widow's fire' is a term commonly used within the widower's community to describe the intense, uncontrollable, or all-consuming desire for sex following the bereavement of a partner,” Wake told SWNS.
It's true that some widowed people do move on too fast, because they're in denial and don't want to face pain; such relationships often bear a cost. Still, even for those not in denial, finding a connection remains a huge human urge.
Widows struggle to care for themselves and their children in their own countries, refugee camps or countries of asylum. Trauma during and after the conflict: many women see their husbands tortured, mutilated or suffering other cruel and inhuman treatment.
When we hear the term widow or widower, we picture someone older – someone deep into their retirement years. The reality is, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average age of a widow or widower in the U.S. is currently 59-years-old.
One of the statistics Keogh cites is how within two years of becoming a widower, 61% of widowed men find themselves in a serious relationship or had remarried compared to only 19% of widows. Keogh writes, “widowers are eight times more likely to remarry over their lifetimes vs. widows.” Remarkable!
To some degree, most widowers whose late wife had a protracted illness, tend to date faster and move on faster. If a spouse/partner is lost to suicide, a widower tends to have more guilt although, regardless of how the person died, the grieving process is the same.
“There are some schools of thought out there that say you should be single twice as long as you were in a relationship. Or at least the same amount of time," says Kisha Walwyn-Duquesnay, LPC-S. "But there really is no magic number. You should take as much time as you need to heal, and that's different for everyone.”