One of the ways covert narcissists may express this resentment is by using silent treatment. The silent treatment is a form of retaliation that involves ignoring someone else, not responding to direct communication, or not being emotionally or physically available.
The Covert Narcissist's Abusive Behaviors
These self-serving tactics can include gaslighting and distorting reality; manipulations to get what they want; showing contempt and giving the silent treatment; dominating and controlling their partner; and belittling and humiliating verbally and emotionally.
The narcissistic abuse cycle refers to an abusive pattern of behavior that characterizes the relationships of people with narcissistic traits. It involves first idealizing a person, then devaluing them, repeating the cycle, and eventually discarding them when they are of no further use.
In some cases, a covert narcissist knows how they are acting and affecting others around them, although not all of them do. However, even when they are aware of their behavior, they may not care. In other words, they won't feel that they are to blame for anything.
The covert narcissist has a victim mentality and they believe that whatever struggle they are experiencing is unique and special. They are always more stressed, more misunderstood and having to deal with more problems than anyone else.
Covert Narcissism in Relationships. While covert narcissists can be difficult to spot initially, their traits will eventually become apparent in every relationship. They will always have an excessive need for reassurance, use manipulation for control, and seek to establish control over another person.
So do covert narcissists know what they are doing? While they may be aware on some level that their behaviors have a negative impact on other people, narcissists also tend to lack self-awareness and insight.
As with many things, a covert narcissist is a little different. They also are hurt by indifference; however, they are hurt most by being a mirror for them, reflecting to them the truth of who they are. The covert narcissist needs to see themselves as the person they want to be, their idealized self.
Grooming a person, manipulating her into doubting her feelings, generating shame regarding her best qualities, and manipulatively creating dependency are four ways a narcissist destroys a person from the inside out.
It's a phenomenon called the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle is broken down into three important phases: idealization, devaluation, and rejection. By understanding these key points, people who are struggling with narcissism or those who are in a relationship with a narcissist can get the help they need.
The four stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle are: Idealization, Devaluation, Repetition, and Discard. In this cycle, a narcissistic partner may love-bomb you, devalue your sense of self over time, repeat the pattern, and eventually, discard you and/or the relationship.
Dominates the conversation: Covert narcissists may become aggressive and start to provoke or intimidate you in order to be proven right or have you back down. Lying and denial: Since they will try to win the argument at any cost, they may lie about what happened and deny facts to confuse you, similar to gaslighting.
A monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on. Then, of course, the next step is to spend time improving. The narcissist sabotages any possibility of looking deep within.
Once challenged, or worse, exposed for the fraud they might be, a narcissist can really fly off the handle. They regard challenging or exposure as the ultimate insult for them. It's embarrassing for others to see the truth. This sparks their rage.
Narcissists are motivated by feeling superior and expanding their power, and so the only things that matter when helping others are receiving adulation, fame, influence, opportunities, notoriety, and other resources. They dont actually care about others because to them other people are just things to use.
Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism are the “two faces” of narcissism that represent related but separate traits.
Seeking admiration – While an overt narcissist may be open about their need for glorification, covert narcissists satisfy this desire by looking for reassurance. Emotional unavailability – They may strive to appear emotionally open, but a covert narcissist tends to disregard and distance themselves from their partners.
Wives of covert narcissist husbands often end up feeling “done to” before these same wives gradually withdraw sexually. He'll then resent you for your lack of sexual interest, despite his showing no genuine interest. Your “disinterest” in “pleasing him sexually” is a constant insult he must endure.
Unlike fine wine or cheese, narcissists don't get better with age. They don't mellow, become wise, or develop late-onset self-awareness. Their personalities intensify, and without their ability to control others, they become bitter, defensive, and bossy.
People with covert narcissism are likely to experience depression, anxiety, and symptoms of other personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder.
A relationship with a covert narcissist is one-sided. “The understanding is that you're there to take care of them and their needs,” says Brill. If you're in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you might feel like you're constantly answering to them and your needs are never being met.
Narcissists can and do love, but their love tends to be superficial and fleeting. They can develop intense emotional attachments—even appearing to "fall in love"—and yet still maintain a complete lack of empathy for the object of their affection.