A defensive person has trouble accepting responsibility for their speech and actions. They have difficulty with constructive criticism and may mistakenly take it as a perceived threat. Anyone can be triggered by a personal issue that causes them to have a defensive reaction.
Types of Defensiveness
Bringing up the past - reminding someone of past mistakes. Silent treatment - not speaking to someone or ignoring their attempts to resolve conflict. Gaslighting - making the other person doubt their reality or their memory. Attack - attacking the other person to discredit them.
When someone is embarrassed by what another person says or does, they may respond defensively. Embarrassment often occurs because of incorrect beliefs someone may have about themselves such as worthlessness, fear of abandonment, failure, or scarcity of positives in their lives.
Shifting the blame to someone else when being criticized is a type of defensive behavior. For example, if someone's husband or wife is being defensive every time they have to pay for something that wasn't their fault, they are guilty of shifting the blame onto them.
As you've learned, being defensive is a result of feeling ashamed, hurt, guilty, attacked, etc. If a person is feeling this way, responding with further criticism is likely to end only in stonewalling or an argument. Instead, show empathy and concern for the situation that the other person is experiencing.
They include flight, freezing, defensive threat, defensive attack, and risk assessment. The type of defensive behavior elicited in a particular situation depends on features of both the threat and the situation.
Defensiveness is a harmful and unhealthy emotional coping strategy that leads to personal and relationship dissatisfaction over time by avoiding bad feelings in the short term and not actually solving the problem. Some other examples of negative coping strategies include: Emotional Eating. Substance Use Disorders.
Additionally, defensive habits may cause difficulties in pushing others away or communicating. Our brains instinctively kick into "fight or flight" mode when we think we are in trouble, which may lead to overwhelming emotions like anger or anxiety.
This type of mindset is called defensive thinking. It's when someone's priority is to avoid loss, rather than achieve victory. The primary goal of a defensive thinker is not to achieve a goal, but rather to avoid defeat and embarrassment. As the saying goes: whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right.
Because narcissists have very low self-esteem, they become incredibly defensive and frustrated when their shortcomings are pointed out. Thus, the distress associated with their false self being exposed can result in narcissistic rage.
Defensive individuals don't like to “work through” emotional issues in the collaborative way adults are expected to. They can be highly impulsive and quick in their emotional reactions, without pausing to think things through in a balanced way. Finally, they tend to avoid too much emotional closeness with others.
They are sensitive but, often, their reactions to your comments are a defence mechanism. The two may feel the same to the person experiencing these feelings but, in reality, they are worlds apart.
Feeling defensive "is a natural self-protection mechanism that we have inside us", says Dr Kate Renshall, a clinical psychologist based in Sydney. "I think we all get defensive when somebody pushes on something that feels too close to home, or touches on something we already might doubt about ourselves."
Defensiveness can protect emotional wounds left by trauma and abuse. At the same time, it blocks out the rest of the world. In conversations, defensiveness prevents connection and communication. While we quickly notice defensiveness in others, we are slower to notice and acknowledge it in ourselves.
Defensive aggression may be growling, snapping or biting when a dog is confronted with what he views as a threat and he is unable to avoid or escape the perceived danger. It is based in a fear which may or may not be reasonable.
⛳ The Third Red Flag: Defensiveness
It's about making excuses for yourself, blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong, and refusing to cooperate — essentially using a lot of "yes, but" statements instead of "I'm sorry". Defensiveness is a way of deflecting responsibility or blame.
In almost all cases, defensiveness is the result of emotional insecurity and fear. And when we feel insecure and don't know how to manage our fears—especially in the relationships where there's a lot at stake—we tend to fall back on primitive coping strategies like defensiveness to feel better.
Defensiveness is a coping skill — a response to a perceived attack or criticism. In general, there are two ways to respond: You can deny it, act out, attack, blame someone else, or. You can intellectually rationalize the perceived attack or criticism.
“I'm not going to keep talking to me if you won't listen and just have to tell me that I'm wrong.” Guilt: “If you really cared, you'd never talk to me that way when I'm just trying to share my feelings.” “Can't you see that you always try to win by telling me where I'm wrong?”
The three types of defensive operations are the mobile defense, area defense, and retrograde. All apply at both the tactical and operational levels of war. Mobile defenses orient on destroying attacking forces by permitting the enemy to advance into a position that exposes him to counterattack.
Instead of communicating needs or stating a position using clear, concise, and non-combative language, a defensive person will rely on passive-aggressive statements that throw the argument back on their partner. Instead of explaining a point of view, all you're doing is giving your partner all new reasons to be angry.
At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem. Our research team member Ellen Alley explains that our self-esteem is considered fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth.
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.