Stonewalling can include avoiding a discussion of one's feelings, refusing to give nonverbal communication cues, walking out in the middle of a discussion without warning or explanation, or simply refusing to discuss the issue at hand.
Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be totally unresponsive, making evasive maneuver such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors.
“Stonewalling is actually a learned defense mechanism that might stem from an unpleasant emotional or physical reaction someone has experienced in the past. Or your partner may simply not be able to express how they feel so instead they shut down,” Dr. Dannaram said.
Stonewalling is oftentimes a tactic learned during childhood. It may have been a behavior their parents used to "keep the peace" or to gain dominance in the family hierarchy. Even if the stonewalling appears intentional and aggressive, remember that it's often used by people who feel powerless or have low self-worth.
Stonewalling, or the refusal to communicate with someone meaningfully, is a form of emotional abuse that can harm relationships and self-esteem. This type of behavior can create higher levels of stress, depression, and anxiety among those who experience it. It may also adversely affect a person's physical health.
Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate with someone. This means that your spouse refuses to listen to you and your concerns. Stonewalling is one of the most prevalent narcissistic abuse techniques.
In many cases, the person doing the stonewalling is not trying to be irritating or mean-spirited. Instead, they likely try to withdraw because the situation feels too emotionally overpowering. For some people, stonewalling can be a coping mechanism, a form of protection against feeling overwhelmed.
Stonewalling Effects on Victim
In fact, Gottman and Levenson (2000) described the presence of stonewalling as one of the surest signs that a relationship might soon end. He observed that stonewalling sends the clear message that the stonewaller is not interested in trying to save, or even work on, the relationship.
A break is usually short while stonewalling can last hours, days, or even longer. Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior of the passive-aggressive kind. It involves entirely shutting the other person out and ignoring them, which causes them to feel like they are worthless and unimportant.
The emotional effects of stonewalling include a sense of helplessness, worthlessness, and powerlessness. It can have a serious impact on a person's self-esteem. This is a natural response particularly, as stonewalling is widely considered a form of gaslighting.
According to Gottman, stonewalling can be used as a form of manipulation or punishment and not just a way to avoid conflict. Teens may shut down or stonewall parents during the high-stress period of puberty. A teenager might find it challenging to manage their expectations, especially from one social group to another.
Gottman and Gottman describe stonewalling as a relationship red flag. Usually used as a direct response to contempt, stonewalling occurs when “the listener withdraws from interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner.”
The antidote to stonewalling is to learn to calm yourself down actively and then to re-engage in the conversation.
The consequences of ignoring a partner
What is harmful about stonewalling is the person who is silent has more of the power, explains Ms Khuman. "They are the one that is deciding when the relationship will come back into connection. That's why it is harmful for the relationship, it's an imbalance of power."
The 3 day rule after argument is a common practice in relationships where individuals agree to take a 3 day relationship break from each other after a heated disagreement. During this time, both parties cool off, reflect on their feelings/thoughts, and avoid communication with each other.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns.
Emotional stonewalling can have serious consequences for relationships. It creates feelings of isolation, neglect, and frustration in the affected partner. It also makes it difficult to communicate effectively. This leads to further conflict or distance in the relationship.
Stonewalling, which happens when someone stops communication altogether, is one of the most toxic forms of passive-aggressive behaviors, says Manly. It's also a leading predictor of divorce.
This disconnect is what flips the victim into the role of the abuser in a way that they're repetitively reinforced (both positively & negatively) to never see or even acknowledge, and with a mountain of pain & cognitive dissonance to permanently hide it away.
Grey Rocking vs.
On the other hand, stonewalling is an emotional reaction, where you shut down emotionally and give someone the “silent treatment.” Stonewalling is usually considered a kind of emotional manipulation, whereas the grey rock method is a method used to deal with someone who employs emotional manipulation.
Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.
Here are a few examples of behavior your partner may exhibit when stonewalling: Giving the silent treatment. Abruptly walking away. Avoiding conflict.