A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person's response. For example, “I'm sorry that you felt hurt by what I said at the party last night,” is not an apology. Try instead, “I'm sorry about what I said at the party last night.
A sincere and effective apology is one that communicates genuine empathy, remorse, and regret as well as a promise to learn from your mistakes. In other words, you need to really believe you did something wrong and feel sorry for the hurt you caused.
Some common fake apologies you may hear can sound like this;
I'm sorry, but… I already said I was sorry. I'm sorry, but you're just being too dramatic and overly sensitive about it. I will say I am sorry if you will just stop talking about it.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
An insincere apology occurs when it doesn't involve remorse or regret. Sometimes an apology may make you feel worse rather than offering an opportunity for reconciliation. A false apology can lead to resentment and anger, which may make you feel misunderstood, invalidated, or manipulated.
Don't say things like “I really didn't mean it when I said…” or “I did x because Sally did y…”. It lessens the effectiveness of the apology by making you sound insincere. Shifting blame. Avoid saying things like “I'm sorry you were offended” or “I'm sorry the group felt like I was out of line”.
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology.
If you're unapologetic, you refuse to say you're sorry or to express any regret.
A sincere apology should acknowledge the mistakes and try to show that you have learned from them. It can be as simple as saying, “I regret my decision” or “I apologize for my mistake”. It should not sound like an excuse or justify what you did wrong in any way.
This type of apology is given by manipulators and victims alike. At certain points, a situation or relationship can become so uncomfortable that the participants will do or say anything to put an end to it. That's where this apology comes into play. It doesn't stem from shame, guilt, or any real sense of remorse.
Apologize. If you've heard someone say, “Narcissists never apologize,” they're not exactly right. While many traits of narcissism like entitlement, elitism, and arrogance make it unlikely someone with narcissistic traits will go the apology route, apologies are sometimes used with ulterior motives.
He remembered the three R's – regret, react, reassure.
So how do we build a worthy apology? Experts like Aaron Lazare and Nick Smith, in their book On Apology, point to four essential parts of the apology, and we can remember them as the 4 R's: Recognition, Responsibility, Remorse, and Reparation.
It's completely valid to be angry even after someone says sorry. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking anger isn't acceptable. “Anger is a deeply stigmatized emotion, so often people feel afraid of or overwhelmed by their own anger.
“Thank you for offering your apology. I would really like to forgive this, but right now, I cannot — what you did was very hurtful to me and it will take some time to heal. In the meantime, we need to function as co-workers and I would prefer to keep any interaction between us as business professionals only.
I said I'm sorry.” The empty apology is all form but no substance. It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it. So you go through the motions, literally saying the words, but not meaning it.
An apology is usually portrayed as an admission of guilt, which the courts may see as justification for ruling in the plaintiff's favour.
Give them space.
Give the person some time and space to process the apology and their feelings. They may feel differently once they have some time. Whatever it was that prompted you to apologize was hurtful or disappointing enough. Don't make it worse by crowding their space and disrespecting their wishes.
1. Adding “but” at the end of an apology. When used in an apology, “but” signals defensiveness. “I'm sorry, but…” provides a cursory acknowledgement of the other person's feelings and immediately labels it as less important than what you're going to say next.
It is a form of words designed to make you look like the bad guy by suggesting that you have been ungracious and unbending, as well as having unrealistic expectations.
The defensive apology
This one takes a bit of finesse and sleight-of-hand to pull off and it may actually work in the moment; it usually includes more than a little blame-shifting too. Yes, the words “I'm sorry” are included in this one; it's the construction of the apology you have to pay attention to.
But apologies are too often used as a quick fix for our uneasiness. When we focus more on our own discomfort than on the distress of the other person, our apology is selfish, and selfish apologies are usually ineffective.