People develop insecure attachments primarily from inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive early childhood experiences where caregivers fail to provide a reliable source of safety and comfort, leading to internal models where relationships feel untrustworthy, causing patterns like anxiety (anxious attachment), avoidance (avoidant attachment), or confusion (disorganized attachment) in adulthood. These styles stem from a caregiver's misattuned responses, parental issues (mental health, substance use, trauma), frequent changes in caregivers, or traumatic family events, shaping how individuals view themselves and others in relationships.
As a result, they feel validated, supported, loved, and safe to explore their environment with their safe base (their caregiver) nearby. In contrast, an insecure attachment style can form when a child perceives their needs to be rejected or inconsistently met – or in chaotic situations in which they feel fear.
Five ways to overcome attachment insecurity
Here's what an insecure-disorganized attachment can look like in a relationship:
What Is the Unhealthiest Attachment Style? Anxious attachment styles, disorganized attachment styles, and avoidant attachment styles are considered insecure/unhealthy forms of attachment.
The five pillars of attachment are:
In truth, the disorganized attachment style is considered to be the most difficult form of insecure attachment to manage – disorganized adults strongly desire love and acceptance but simultaneously fear that those closest to them will hurt them.
The strongest indicator of secure attachment is the ability to balance intimacy and independence in a way that sustains relationships over time. Securely attached individuals can comfortably depend on others and allow others to depend on them, fostering relationships marked by mutual trust and respect.
As an adult with an insecure attachment style, you may find it difficult to connect to others, shy away from intimacy, or be too clingy, fearful, or anxious in a relationship. In other words, you have an insecure attachment style.
Patterns of Insecurity
If a person develops an insecure style of attachment, it can take one of three forms: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.
Compliments and expressions of gratitude can help an anxious attacher feel more loved and safe within your relationship. It may help build their self-worth and give them something positive to focus on when they have doubts about their lovability and your interest in them.
Secure attachment results from the first 3 S's (safe, seen and soothed). We provide our children with a secure base by showing them that they are safe, that there is someone that sees and cares for them and that they will be soothed when they are in distress.
Insecurity is specifically posited to be manifested in children's tendencies to respond to interparental conflict with intense, prolonged bouts of fearful distress, greater involvement, and negative internal representations of the implications interparental difficulties have for themselves and their families.
Most professionals agree that attachment disorders are the result of early childhood trauma, so it's important to understand how trauma affects a developing brain.
Attachment styles aren't fixed: Patterns like anxiety, avoidance, or disorganization often begin in childhood but can be reshaped into secure connection with intentional work.
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a type of unhealthy, insecure attachment pattern in which individuals tend to avoid emotional intimacy and may appear emotionally detached in relationships.
If you're securely attached, you might approach texting with calm and clarity—no games, no mind reading. If response time is slow, you assume good intentions. You can communicate your needs and boundaries without the drama.
Key Takeaways. Therapy can help people overcome insecure attachment by addressing distorted thoughts and negative behaviors. Building secure relationships in adulthood can change how a person views relationships and intimacy.
A 2019 study of over 400 adults found that insecure attachment styles, including both avoidant and anxious, significantly predicted past divorce and current relationship status. People with higher avoidance were more likely to have experienced a divorce, even when other factors like age were controlled.
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to exhibit a more promiscuous socio-sexual orientation, which may lessen their inclination to engage exclusively in sexual activities with their partner [26].
Which attachment style falls in love quickly? People with anxious preoccupied attachment are likely to fall in love quickly due to their strong desire for closeness and connection, as well as their fear of being alone. They may idealize their partner early in the relationship and seek a deep emotional bond early on.
Signs of insecure attachment:
When looking at married and dating couples, securely attached people typically prefer other secure attachers – and often end up together. In fact, evidence demonstrates that around 75 to 85% of securely attachers become involved with secure partners.
Toxic attachment refers to a relationship that may feel too intense, one-sided, or emotionally draining. While healthy relationships are based on trust and support, toxic attachments may be driven by factors like control.