Narcissists cause trauma bonds in others, rather than experiencing them themselves; overcoming a trauma bond for the victim involves professional therapy (like CBT/DBT) to rebuild self-worth, establishing firm No Contact/Grey Rock, understanding manipulation tactics (love bombing, gaslighting), focusing on self-care, and finding support to break the cycle of addiction to the abuser's validation, as the abuser often intensifies courtship to pull the victim back in.
The following practices and interventions can help you overcome the trauma bond:
The trauma bond can last from days to weeks, months, and years. The trauma bond develops over seven stages in which the abuser practices manipulative cycles of dependence forging and abuse.
How to break a trauma bond with a narcissist in five steps
The 7 stages of trauma bonding describe a cycle in abusive relationships, typically starting with Love Bombing, followed by Trust & Dependency, then Criticism & Devaluation, leading to Manipulation & Gaslighting, causing the victim to Resign & Give Up, leading to a Loss of Self, and finally resulting in Emotional Addiction to the intermittent rewards of the cycle, keeping the person trapped. This cycle, theorized by Dr. Patrick Carnes, traps victims by making them reliant on the abuser for validation, creating a powerful, albeit destructive, bond.
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
The "3 E's of Narcissism" refer to three core traits often seen in individuals with narcissistic tendencies: Empathy impairment, a profound lack of understanding or sharing of others' feelings; Entitlement, a belief they deserve special treatment and admiration; and Exploitation, using others for personal gain without guilt. These characteristics highlight how narcissists often struggle to connect emotionally, feel superior, and manipulate people to meet their own needs.
Common trauma bond withdrawal symptoms
Confusion and self-doubt frequently arise, often due to manipulative tactics like gaslighting, leading to difficulty making decisions or trusting oneself. There may also be anger and resentment, both toward the abuser and oneself.
How to Disengage
Intermittent Reinforcement: The cycle of abuse and affection in a trauma bond creates unpredictable rewards that have a strong influence on behavioral patterns. When you finally receive a kind gesture, your brain releases dopamine, which makes you crave that feeling again.
It won't rid you of PTSD and your fears, but let your tears flow and you'll maybe feel a little better afterwards. 'Crying for long periods of time releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, otherwise known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain.
Signs unhealed trauma is affecting your relationship
Past trauma can make relationships harder. Trauma affects relationships by often showing up as fear or mistrust, like being afraid your partner will leave or not trusting them, even if they haven't done anything wrong.
The grey rock method is simple, even if it isn't easy. The goal is to be as uninteresting as possible in response to emotional abuse. When your abuser attempts to publicly humiliate you, manipulate you, or verbally abuse you, keep any emotional reactions at bay. Those emotional reactions are what the abuser wants.
The "3 C's of Trauma" usually refer to Connect, Co-Regulate, and Co-Reflect, a model for trauma-informed care focusing on building safe relationships, helping individuals manage overwhelming emotions (co-regulation), and processing experiences (co-reflection). Other "3 C's" include Comfort, Conversation, and Commitment for children's coping, and Catch, Check, Change from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for challenging negative thoughts in trauma recovery.
This can be attributed to a deep emotional attachment to the abuser, creating a significant barrier to breaking free from the destructive dynamics of the relationship. Trauma bonding often fosters an emotional dependency on the abuser, as the victim comes to rely on them for love, validation and support.
Your brain treats their texts like hits of cocaine, creating dopamine crashes that drive obsessive checking for contact. Engaging in 90 days of dopamine fasting (no contact) can help rewire traumatic memories and effectively break the trauma bond.
The 5-5-5 rule in marriage is a mindfulness and communication tool that encourages couples to pause and ask themselves: Will this matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years? It's designed to help de-escalate conflict and shift focus to what truly matters.
7 Clear Signs Your Body Is Releasing Stored Trauma
Narcissistic traits often peak in late adolescence and early adulthood (around ages 14-23), particularly with grandiosity and entitlement, as individuals seek identity and status, but then tend to decline as people mature and face life's realities, though some individuals with NPD may see intensification in these years before a potential mellowing in middle age.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I've found that there are seven phrases you'll hear from highly narcissistic people:
The number one trait of a narcissist is often considered a grandiose sense of self-importance (grandiosity) combined with a profound lack of empathy, where they see others as tools for their own gain and have an inflated, often unrealistic, view of their own superiority, needing constant admiration without acknowledging others' feelings or needs, as highlighted by HelpGuide.org and The Hart Centre. This core creates other behaviors like entitlement, manipulation, and arrogance, making them believe they deserve special treatment.
survived the dreaded two-year mark (i.e. the most common time period when couples break up), then you're destined to be together forever… right? Unfortunately, the two-year mark isn't the only relationship test to pass, nor do you get to relax before the seven-year itch.
The rule, in theory, sounds like the perfect formula for keeping your relationship strong: a date night every seven days, a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and a kid-free vacation every seven months.
Practicing Non-Attachment for Healthier Relationships