Children of narcissists often end up in relationships with people who have narcissistic traits. These children feel like they can never be good enough for their partner or themselves, so they become codependent on the other person to make them happy and validate their self-worth.
Effects of Being Raised by Narcissists
In many instances, children suffered abuse from their NPD parent and may have developed symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Dr. Brunell says, “The child typically suffers from low psychological well-being, such as low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.
When a child is raised by a narcissistic parent, they may become orbital to the parent—focused on meeting the parents' needs and losing their own sense of identity in the process. However, some children of narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves—and it's easy to understand why.
A golden child's sense of self and their personal boundaries are erased, as their own sense of identity is replaced with the need to live up to their role. Their behaviors and beliefs reflect what their parent expects of them, and they may feel incapable of individuation even in adulthood.
Like other personality traits, narcissism is moderately heritable and partly rooted in early emerging temperamental traits (33). Some children, because of their temperamental traits, might be more likely than others to become narcissistic when exposed to parental overvaluation (16, 21).
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.
According to Thomaes & Brummelman, the development of narcissism begins at around the ages of 7 or 8. This is the time when children begin to evaluate themselves according to how they perceive others. Although narcissism comes partly down to genes, it is also impacted by the environment.
Children of narcissists often end up in relationships with people who have narcissistic traits. These children feel like they can never be good enough for their partner or themselves, so they become codependent on the other person to make them happy and validate their self-worth.
Scapegoated children who become narcissistic have typically been trained to submit to the dominance of a more overtly narcissistic parent (and perhaps sibling) and as a result learn to cloak their rage, superiority, and desire for control into passive aggression.
A narcissist's "lost child" may be physically and emotionally neglected. The "lost child" may carry their trauma into adulthood and may attract partners who are neglectful and emotionally abusive.
The results are quite clear: Parents who "overvalue" children during this developmental stage, telling them they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment, are more likely to produce narcissistic children -- who can grow up to become narcissistic adults, unless something is done about it.
But children who were extremely melodramatic, and who also had parents that ignored or neglected them, spoiled them constantly, or insisted on perfection, were more likely to become narcissists in adulthood.
At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.
Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood.
In the stories of adult children of narcissists, its very common to find accounts of rage attacks and of unpredictable, emotionally volatile behavior by their abusive parents.
The Attachment Style of Children of Narcissists
Children of narcissists are most likely to have a disorganised attachment style. People with NPD have usually come from a home with at least one parent with NPD and therefore they are also likely to have disorganised attachments.
Golden children are usually raised by narcissistic parents who are controlling and authoritarian. They coerce their child into being “perfect” by creating a toxic environment where the children do not feel safe voicing their own opinions or going against any rules.
A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves.
A narcissist typically goes through anger and rage once they learn of their loved one's death, especially at the loss of one or both of their parents. They may feel confused over the shame and guilt they feel over the death of their parent for example.
Narcissists don't treat their families with kindness & respect. From the Narcissist's point of view, you are lowly compared to them. Therefore, expect rude, combative, and blaming behavior. Their ego is most threatened by those closest to them because you all know their secrets.
It's not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. The cause is likely complex. Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to: Environment — parent-child relationships with either too much adoration or too much criticism that don't match the child's actual experiences and achievements.
Summary: For most people, narcissism wanes as they age. A new study reports the magnitude of the decline of narcissistic traits is tied to specific career and personal relationship choices. However, this is not true for everyone.