Cheaters manipulate by using tactics like gaslighting (making you doubt your sanity), charm, denial, isolation, projection (accusing you of their own behavior), and minimizing or justifying their actions, all to control the narrative, avoid accountability, and keep you off-balance so you question yourself more than their infidelity. They create an environment where you feel "crazy" or "paranoid," making it harder to trust your own perceptions about their cheating.
12 Phrases Skilled Manipulators Use in Everyday Conversation
Signs of Manipulation
Interestingly enough, some individuals who cheat also exhibit signs of dissatisfaction long before they actually stray. They may withdraw emotionally from their partners or display irritability over minor issues—a signal that something deeper is amiss within themselves rather than solely within the relationship.
We conducted two studies to identify the manipulation tactics that people use to elicit and terminate the actions of others. Factor analyses of four instruments revealed six types of tactics: charm, silent treatment, coercion, reason, regression, and debasement.
Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that makes victims doubt their own reality and judgment through persistent lying and denial of events. This tactic involves manipulative attempts to persuade the victim that they are mistaken or illogical, even when they are not.
The manipulator may use phrases like "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if I upset you," which subtly shift the blame onto the recipient of the apology, suggesting that the problem lies with their reaction, not the action itself. Conditional Language: Another common tactic is the use of conditional language.
One thing that cheaters often do is say one thing and do another. For example, it is so easy for someone to tell you they love you, but when you never see them perform any actions that indicate that they love you like: doing something thoughtful like buying you flowers, well, then this could be a red flag.
There isn't one single "best" predictor of cheating; rather, it's a combination of factors, with relationship dissatisfaction, low sexual satisfaction, mismatched sexual desire, and poor communication being the strongest predictors, often alongside individual traits like insecure attachment styles, impulsivity, and a history of infidelity. Ultimately, a lack of emotional connection and unresolved relationship issues significantly increase the risk, according to this Psychology Today article, this National Institutes of Health article, and this Medium article.
Soft cheating (or micro-cheating) involves subtle, often digital, behaviors that cross relationship boundaries and breach trust without being full-blown infidelity, like excessive social media interaction with others, hiding messages, or maintaining secretive contact with an ex, often stemming from a need for validation but eroding intimacy and causing insecurity.
Manipulative movements such as throwing, catching, kicking, trapping, striking, volleying, bouncing, and ball rolling are considered to be fundamental manipulative skills. These skills are essential to purposeful and controlled interaction with objects in our environment.
Trust Your Gut: If something feels off or doesn't align with your instincts, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Your intuition can be a powerful tool in detecting manipulation. Question Inconsistencies: Manipulators often provide inconsistent or conflicting information to confuse you.
If someone consistently stands up straight, with an open, expansive position, there's a greater chance that person may be seeking to dominate or manipulate you.
Here are some common signs:
As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I've found that there are seven phrases you'll hear from highly narcissistic people:
How to outsmart a manipulator: 6 steps to recover your power and prevent abuse
The 80/20 rule in relationships explains cheating as the temptation to abandon a solid partner (80% good) for someone new who seems to offer the missing 20% of needs, a pursuit often leading to regret as the new person lacks the original 80%. Infidelity often arises from focusing on flaws (the 20%) rather than appreciating the substantial good (the 80%), making an affair partner seem appealing for fulfilling that small gap, but ultimately resulting in losing the valuable foundation of the primary relationship.
Previous litera- ture has identified characteristics of the partner involved in infidelity; this study investigates the Big Five personal- ity traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism) of uninvolved partners.
Serial cheaters often exhibit a combination of traits including narcissism, sociopathy, low self-esteem, poor impulse control, psychological manipulation, and a proclivity for engaging in flirtatious behavior. These traits contribute to their pattern of repeated infidelity.
The 3 Stages of an Affair
Carder says many studies suggest an emotional affair is just as painful for wives. In fact, he says emotional affairs become more painful as the infidelity moves through its multiple stages. The first stage is the mood-altering effect when a man sees the other woman or a message from her.
Below are 19 common signs of cheating to look out for:
Main signs you're dealing with a manipulative person
I will try never to do anything like that in the future.” So, if you feel more anxious and angrier after receiving an apology, look for three signs that may signify it is a toxic apology: justifications, blame-shifting, and a tone of moral superiority.