Trauma creates barriers to using love languages Trusting them or using them can feel too risky, without a foundation of safety inside themselves and in the relationship. Any of the love languages — affirmation, physical touch, gifts, etc.
People who have survived trauma often continue to live normal lives, but the effects of trauma may impact mood, motivation and relationships. It's normal to experience some changes after a distressing and uncontrollable event, and it's important to know when to seek supportive trauma treatment.
Our love language can change in response to our age, time in our life or in response to trauma, says Dr. Lev. Or, it can evolve the more we learn, grow and understand ourselves. While you may identify a primary love language, you may also determine that you have a secondary or tertiary love language.
In other words, our childhood experiences and the scripts that our parents or caregivers wrote for us can be used to predict how we express and respond to love during our adulthood. Based on these scripts, most of us can be divided into distinct categories based on how we give and express love.
Trust issues, perceived threats where there may be none, or feeling your logical brain shut down while you act out from emotional triggers, may all be signs of your trauma impacting your relationship. This is especially true if both you and your partner have experienced trauma.
Your guard is up, anxiety and arousal get confused easily. Your trauma might be impacting your sex life negatively if sex feels demanding, aggressive, or triggers anger and controlling behavior (fight). You may find that withdrawal, avoidance or passive interaction (flight) typifies your sexual interaction.
Taking into account the causes of clinginess, it becomes clear that this behavior is often the result of attachment trauma – not receiving the closeness, comfort, and security a child needs to feel safe. This perceived lack of safety expresses itself in all areas of life, but especially in romantic relationships.
A lack of true unconditional love in childhood isn't just challenging—it's traumatic. This type of trauma is known as relational trauma.
Speak their language, not yours
Don't judge your partner for having a different Love Language® than yours. Also, always remind yourself to speak their language to make them feel valued, not yours. You might feel loved when your partner acknowledges and appreciates you for doing something for them.
Whether the trauma was physical, sexual, or emotional, the impact can show up in a host of relationship issues. Survivors often believe deep down that no one can really be trusted, that intimacy is dangerous, and for them, a real loving attachment is an impossible dream.
Across the nation, our survey respondents revealed that the love language Americans love to receive most is quality time. This love language involves spending time with someone and giving them your undivided attention.
Words of affirmation are traditionally thought to be the most common among the five love languages and reflect people who feel fulfilled and loved by someone's expression of positive emotions (Chapman & Chapman, 2010).
Like many great things in life, love languages are fluid, not fixed. As your relationship grows and evolves, your love language will too. “Love languages change as needs in the relationship change,” explains Michael Guichet, LMFT. “At different stages our demands on our time change, goals change, and so forth.”
Unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, relationship problems and physical symptoms like headaches or nausea are some of the ways that unresolved trauma can manifest, according to the American Psychological Association.
Research has shown that traumatic experiences are associated with both behavioral health and chronic physical health conditions, especially those traumatic events that occur during childhood. Substance use, mental health conditions, and other risky behaviors have been linked with traumatic experiences.
Initial reactions to trauma can include exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, confusion, physical arousal, and blunted affect. Most responses are normal in that they affect most survivors and are socially acceptable, psychologically effective, and self-limited.
You may give and receive love in different ways, and in ways that are different from your partner's. “In a marriage, almost never do a husband and wife have the same language,” Dr. Chapman said. “The key is we have to learn to speak the language of the other person.”
Quality time and physical touch are two love languages that are extremely compatible in terms of showing affection and physical attraction. While one person craves the touch of their significant other, the other partner can have their quality time needs met.
“It's normal to have different languages, but the key is to be clear with your partner about what you are needing versus assuming that since they know, they 'should' be delivering on it.” A tip to keep couples on track to giving and receiving love is to ask one another throughout the day “Do you need anything?”
Believe it or not, a basic fear of intimacy is common for many people. But when you've suffered from significant trauma, a fear of intimacy can not only be limiting, but it can also make any relationship that you enter into seem difficult – if not impossible — to maintain.
Survivors with PTSD may feel distant from others and feel numb. They may have less interest in social or sexual activities. Because survivors feel irritable, on guard, jumpy, worried, or nervous, they may not be able to relax or be intimate. They may also feel an increased need to protect their loved ones.
For those who may not be familiar, “unloved daughter syndrome” is a term used to describe the lack of emotional connection or love between a mother and her daughter. This disconnect can lead to insecurity, anxiety, loneliness, and mistrust of others.
A trauma bond may be difficult to spot, because it involves a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement, sometimes called love bombing. Common signs that someone is stuck in a trauma bond include: Dependency on the abuser. Defensiveness, or making excuses to others for an abuser.
Emotional Trauma Symptoms
Not everyone responds to trauma in exactly the same way, but here are some common signs: Cognitive Changes: Intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and flashbacks of the event, confusion, difficulty with memory and concentration, and mood swings.
In fact, young children between the ages of 0 and 5 are the most vulnerable to the effects of trauma since their brains are still in the early formative years.