A person can gaslight you without realizing it. The motivation behind gaslighting (and other forms of manipulation) is to have control and to avoid taking responsibility and getting into trouble. This drive can happen on an unconscious level and the person may not realize why or what they are doing.
Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness. Others who gaslight might not be aware that they're doing it.
Some people who gaslight others are aware of their actions and have even studied how to improve their techniques. A gaslighter who is unaware of their actions continues their behavior because of the "payoff" or "boost" they get from it each time.
Some Narcissists Know They Are Lying (Hence “Gaslighting”)
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They know how to twist and turn facts to make themselves look good. And they often do this without realizing they are doing it.
Because gaslighters usually don't apologize or admit wrongdoing, it's harder for their victims to move on from the experience.
It is possible for a gaslighter to apologize for their behavior, but it is important to consider the context in which the apology is given and whether it is sincere. A genuine apology involves taking responsibility for one's actions and expressing remorse for the harm that was caused.
Gaslighting in Abuse Relationships
In many cases, the gaslighter will get defensive about their actions and claim they do it out of love. I only do it because I love you. By saying this, they're making their victim feel as if their love for the gaslighter is less than what they're receiving in return.
Instead, the opposite of that statement about gaslighting is to deliberately and systematically [feed someone] true information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves.
This is hard to say. Gaslighting is a deliberate tactic, but most narcissists can rationalize their behaviors as being caused by the victim, and they may not see their own actions as harmful or abusive.
People with narcissistic personality disorder tend not to perceive that they themselves may have a mental health problem, and thus may be less likely to seek evaluation or treatment.
Ignoring a gaslighter could mean you pretend you did not hear what they said and do not engage or respond to them. This could result in an escalation of their attempts at gaslighting you or make them angry if they feel you have bruised their pride. Similarly, they might try to get your attention in other ways.
When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often change the subject or counter-attack by telling you that it's all your fault or you are the one with the problem.
A gaslighter often lacks empathy for others. They will emotionally abuse others and harm their mental health without regard.
Gaslighters are blamers, using lines like, “You made me do it” or “I did it because you wouldn't listen to me.” They may accuse you of having issues or needs that they actually have, such as suggesting you're not being honest with yourself. They may find ways to take credit for your accomplishments.
People with personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, may use gaslighting as a way to control spouses, children, co-workers, or any other relationship where the person with a character disorder feels vulnerable.
Victims constantly ask if the narcissist knows what they are doing? The answer is “yes”, they are consciously aware that they are manipulating, they may even take pride in doing it.
One of the most common reasons people gaslight is to gain power over others. This need for domination may stem from narcissism, antisocial personality, or other issues. Like most cases of abuse, gaslighting is about control. As gaslighting progresses, the target often second-guesses their own memories and thoughts.
Passive-aggressive gaslighting is a form of covert brainwashing and, at its worst, mental and emotional abuse. For tips on how to handle gaslighters, see references below. © 2020 by Preston C. Ni.
You can't know ahead of time whether your gaslighter will ever change. Maybe he will change when you refuse the dance of gaslighting. If he is willing to admit that he has a problem, you should see a good couples therapist and work on the gaslighting dynamic.
While a gaslighter may not outrightly lie the way compulsive liars do, they use a more subtle method called 'forgetting'. Usually, they will pretend they forgot something you said, they said, or something that happened. It's a skillful way to avoid denying or getting caught in a lie.
The best way to destroy a gaslighter is to appear emotionless. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so it's frustrating to them when they don't get the reaction they expected. When they realize you don't care anymore, they will likely try convincing you they'll change, but don't fall for it.
A gaslighter is often someone in a position of power and can range from a boss to a coworker to even a client or competitor. Gaslighters are often very intelligent, says Connecticut-based psychotherapist Dori Gatter, PsyD.
People with high levels of narcissism have the desire to exploit others, which is born out of their disregard for other people and their own sense of entitlement. Exploitative gaslighters use manipulation and deceit to take advantage of others for personal gain.