Yes, living apart can save a marriage if done intentionally as a structured "trial separation" with clear goals, communication, and professional guidance, providing space for individual growth, reduced conflict, and renewed appreciation, but a haphazard separation often leads to divorce. It works by giving couples breathing room to cool off, work on themselves, and see the relationship from a new perspective, preventing a downward spiral, though it requires commitment to reconciliation, not just an easier breakup.
More and more married couples are choosing to live in separate homes. People call it “married but living separately,” or “Living Apart Together” or LAT, and it occurs more often than you might think.
If you and your partner are both willing to put in the work, are able to truly acknowledge your part in contributing to the current state of your marriage, and will actively attempt to change your behavior in a way that best suits your relationship, then your marriage can be fixed.
Going through a separation can actually heal your marriage, if you're doing the right things. The right things include going to therapy, having accountability partners, staying in contact, and having clear boundaries and expectations.
Space Is Oxygen for Intimacy
One of the most overlooked aspects of a healthy relationship is the importance of space — mental, emotional, and physical. When couples live apart, they preserve a sense of individuality that often gets diluted when they merge lives too closely.
The 7-7-7 rule is a structured method for couples to regularly reconnect, involving a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway every 7 weeks, and a kid-free vacation every 7 months.
A complete lack of trust is one of the most surefire signs that a relationship can't be salvaged. This is also one of the most complex relationship problems couples face. Loss of trust can stem from several issues. Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce in America.
The No. 1 rule for saving your marriage is communication. All other efforts to improve a relationship will likely succeed with this foundation. It allows partners to build strong bonds even during tough times and resolve issues easily.
Moving out during a divorce is often considered a big mistake because it can negatively affect child custody, create immediate financial hardship (paying two households), weaken your negotiating power, and make it difficult to access important documents, while courts prefer maintaining the status quo for stability unless there's abuse. Voluntarily leaving can signal to a judge that you're less involved with the children and the home, making it harder to argue for equal time or possession later, even if your name is on the mortgage or lease.
The 2-2-2 rule for marriage is a guideline to keep a relationship strong and connected: have a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years. This system encourages regular, intentional quality time, breaks from routine, and deeper connection by ensuring couples prioritize each other amidst daily life, work, and family, preventing stagnation and fostering fun.
While many factors contribute, many experts point to poor communication (especially criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and a breakdown in emotional connection/trust, often stemming from dishonesty or disrespect, as the #1 things that destroy marriages, eroding intimacy and making partners feel unheard and unloved over time. Infidelity, financial stress, and shifting priorities (like putting family/in-laws above spouse) are also major contributors that feed these core issues.
The "3x3 rule" in marriage is a guideline for balancing individual and couple time, suggesting each partner gets three hours of alone time per week and the couple spends three hours of quality time together, often recommended for busy parents to reduce resentment and reconnect by scheduling protected "me time" and dedicated "us time". It's a strategy to ensure both personal well-being and relationship connection are prioritized, preventing burnout and rekindling sparks through intentional, scheduled breaks and shared experiences.
If you're not sharing what's really on your mind, it might be a sign that you no longer want a deep connection. Similarly, if you've found that the usual fun banter between you is gone, or it's difficult to have engaging conversations, your bond could be getting weaker.
Don't rush and make emotional decisions, turn down opportunities to spend time with your children, say bad things about your spouse, take on more debt, hide income and assets, get a new boyfriend or girlfriend, or say anything on social media about your situation.
The four behaviors that predict over 90% of divorces, known as Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen," are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which erode connection, respect, and safety, leading to relationship breakdown. These destructive communication patterns, if persistent, signal that a marriage is likely to end, with contempt being the most damaging.
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
A quick scrolling of what the engines and algorithms are producing on-line indicates that both men and women regret divorce, with a higher percentage of men admitting to that debilitating emotion. The initial glance stands at 27 percent of women owning up to regret post-divorce vs. 39 percent of men.
How to Accept that Your Marriage Is Over
The research examined short-run consequences of separation and divorce in a large representative sample of American Baby Boomers provided by the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1979. The results indicated that all groups of women fared worse than men in economic status and well-being following marital disruption.
From my standpoint, any marriage where both partners are willing and wanting to honor and respect each other is a marriage worth trying to save. If you and your partner are willing to work through it in therapy, that is a very good sign.
The 777 rule for marriage is a relationship guideline to keep couples connected by scheduling specific, regular quality time: a date night every 7 days, a night away (getaway) every 7 weeks, and a romantic holiday every 7 months, often without kids, to foster intimacy, reduce stress, and prevent routine from overtaking the relationship. It's about consistent, intentional efforts to prioritize the partnership.
If you have difficulty envisioning a possible solution, have no confidence things will change, and feel that you've exhausted your possibilities for resolving any issues that are causing the frustration or other negative feelings, this is an important sign.
The Stages of a Dying Marriage
The short answer: When you've let too much resentment accumulate between you. You probably no longer see the good in your partner as outweighing the bad. It's likely you have few positive feelings left for your partner, or perhaps no feelings at all.
The Four Horsemen
Usually, these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.